A Life, a Love, a Family
By Stacey B.
My partner and I have been together for six years and she has been the major source of support for my son. In fact, she has been more of a parent then my ex-spouse ever was, as my son recently pointed out.
Yet I cannot put her name on any documents concerning his care. My partner has a wonderful job, but she cannot offer benefits to the rest of our family because our family is not legally recognized. However, our state considers each person living in a home as a contributor to family income, so our family would fall into a higher income category for state benefits like medical assistance – so that we’d probably be left out by our state, in addition to her employer. If something were to happen to either of us, the survivor would receive no state or federal benefits (i.e. social security and other similar programs). Not to mention that we’d have to watch out for money considered a gift to the other person. Unlike legal spouses, we do not have an unlimited gift tax exemption.
There are many other circumstances, rights, liberties, privileges and protections in which my partner and I cannot partake simply because we are not legally married. I’m beyond outrage – I’m livid. Even so, this is how we live our daily lives. We live in fear of something catastrophic happening and our worlds crashing down around us. Everything we have built together will disappear. A life, a love, even a family!
My partner’s mother has asked her not to tell the rest of her family that she is gay, but my family is very accepting. She loves and misses her family, who live in another state. She has suggested several times that she would like to move closer to her family. But, being that we are not married and that she is not fully out, I would be forced to live in the closet once again. I would be relegated to the role of "the roommate," no longer family.
I know it pains my partner to be so far away from her family – a family that stresses closeness. But we’re both aware of the realities that rule our lives together. We have discussed this time and again only to realize that a move wouldn't work. To move somewhere that we would not be welcomed as a family is out of the question. Thus far, we have been lucky. My son's school lets me (the custodial parent) to allow or disallow certain people from discussing my son's progress, picking him up at school or attending functions as a parent or guardian. My partner is on this list as a guardian, but she’s not a legal one. While at the same time my ex-spouse – who attempted to kidnap my son once before – is on the "do not discuss/do not allow" list. The school recognizes my wishes now, but if something happened to me, they would be forced to recognize those of my ex-spouse, not my partner.
My state is somewhat fair to same-sex couples, but there are no real laws protecting our families. The state where I was married and divorced is not as accepting. It is known for removing children from gay families and striping biological parents of their rights if they are found to be gay. My partner’s family lives in a similarly anti-gay state.
I have promised myself never to be ashamed of who I am or how my family is structured. I will not allow my son to grow up seeing his parent in that light. Thus far, he has not encountered any bad mouthing from other children or their families. He has been lucky. People in my town tend to care less about family construct and more that the children are loved, as our son is. I still worry, though, about him being picked on in high school.
He loves my partner as if she has always been his parent. He has actually said that she has been more of a father then his real dad ever was. Hearing this was tough because I know that if something were to happen to me, my partner would lose him and he would have to live with this biological father – a man I who scares me and whose living arrangement is so different than ours that our son would have a very difficult time adjusting.
Even a bright kid like our son would have to avoid being easily led down an ugly path in such a situation. His father would subject him to extremes -- religiously, socially and disciplinary. He would be an outcast in his father's family, not fitting in with the four other boys who have been raised in a strict, religiously fundamental home. Even his school life would change drastically. Our son attends public schools and his father’s sons are home schooled by their mother. Our son even refuses to visit his father. If something were to happen to me, our son would be inconsolable and his life would be irreparably destroyed.
A family would be pulled apart and lives shattered for the sole reason that my partner and I are prohibited from legally marrying. It’s just not fair.
Jan. 14, 2003