We Deserve the Same Rights and Protections
by Jo Deutsch and Teresa Williams (Cheverly, Md.)
Jo Deutsch and Teresa Williams have been in a committed relationship for more than 19 years. We were first introduced by Jo's mother 23 years ago and became friends instantly. Four years into our friendship, in 1984, we fell in love and have been happily and seriously committed to each other ever since.
In July of that year, we left south Florida and moved to Washington, D.C.
We carried all our belongings in a small U-Haul and moved into our first apartment, a one-room basement apartment in Northwest. We signed the lease together and purchased our first furniture (mostly used) together. We opened our first joint checking account and got our first joint credit cards. Jo started graduate school at George Washington University while Teresa worked as a house painter and eventually began an engineering degree, later switching to massage therapy school
Through the years, we moved into bigger houses, first renting and then buying — always together and with both of our signatures on all the leases and deeds. We traveled together, entertained friends together, purchased cars and household items together. We hired lawyers to work on our wills together. We always knew this was a lifetime commitment and relationship, and, like other committed couples, we are bound together both financially and because of our love for each other.
About four years into the relationship, we started talking about having children and whether we were ready to become parents. We had the typical worries. How would a child change our lives? Could we afford another person in our family? In 1989, we decided that we were ready for the change, we could afford the change, and we began making plans to have a child. In September 1990, our first son, Jacob, was born. We had made the jump from "being just a couple" to "being parents." We had another son, Matthew, in 1994, and in 2000, the family was complete with the birth of our daughter, Bena.
Now we look like many families. We own a house together in the suburbs. We drive a minivan. We have bikes in the yard and toys throughout the house. We have dinner as a family every night and share wonderful family moments either home or away. We have a joint mortgage, joint car loan, joint credit cards, joint gas, telephone and electric bills, joint cable and joint checking accounts — everything is shared, including our commitment to each other, our children and our lives. We are each other's beneficiaries for our life insurance.
Yet, we are two women and our children have two moms. With that and without a civil marriage we have had to do things to protect ourselves and our children that come to married couples without them even having to think about it. We had to go to court to co-adopt our children, so they are now legally ours regardless of who is the biological mother. We were fortunate enough to live in a state that this was possible for us, although other same-sex parents do not have similar options for protection and must live with the constant fear that they could lose their children. We should not have to go through the grueling and often intrusive process — and have to pay lawyers and court fees — for something that married couples get automatically.
We carry our wills, living wills and powers of attorney with us on vacation just in case something happens to either one of us. But there are some things that — no matter how many legal fees we pay — we'll never be assured without the right to civil marriage. We do not get the same health benefits from Jo's office than married couples receive, and Teresa would not be eligible for COBRA if Jo left her job. We are not eligible for family and medical leave if either of us gets sick. And, we will not get Social Security survivor's benefits for each other, even after paying into the system like married couples.
These are enormous additional worries and concerns that the average married family never has to consider. We should not have to either. The only difference between our relationship and family is that we are two women. The commitment, love, dedication to each other and our children is equal to those people with a civil marriage license. We deserve the same rights and protections that these married couples receive — our children deserve it.