A.J. Legault
Sergeant, U.S. Army (1987-1995)
I joined the Army right out of high school. It was a chance to challenge myself, serve my country and learn valuable life lessons. I was still in the closet, and I was petrified when the recruiter asked about my sexual orientation. I lied and headed to my new life.
It did not take me a long time to find that my life as a soldier fit me perfectly. I loved being a soldier. I had no problem with physical training, military protocol, discipline and the hours that went with it. I have always loved my country, and wearing the uniform was heaven.
It seemed like life was great and the opportunities before me were endless. But making sure that nobody ever found out I was gay was extremely stressful and proved much more difficult to accept emotionally than I thought.
My dad talked about gays as if they were sexual deviants. I was used to hearing homophobic remarks and comments made by drill sergeants, fellow soldiers, noncommissioned officers and officers appointed over me.
When I started making rank, I dated women. This helped to throw off anyone that may have been questioning my sexual orientation. It worked remarkably, but none of the relationships lasted. I simply didn't have any feelings for these women, and I was using them to assist in my masquerade. I was good at hiding my sexuality, and delivered truly Oscar-worthy performances.
My first couple of years in the Army, I served in the jungles of Panama. I worked for the Jungle Warfare Training School, with Special Forces, and served for a few months detached to a Marine Corps unit. I was hand chosen to work several operations, including participating in the overthrow of Manuel Noriega.
Shortly after arriving at Fort Benning, Ga., I completed airborne school. Jumping out of airplanes was great, and I was determined to become the best soldier I could be. I wanted to be worth every penny that the Army paid me. With my "Hooah" attitude, I was offered a slot at the drill sergeant's academy, which I turned down to attend ranger school. I served in Operation Desert Storm with the 2/69th Armor. I drove a hummer, leading convoys of food, fuel and ammunitions through the battlefield. Our unit was involved in heavy fighting deep in Iraq, and we flew American flags from our tanks and vehicles to show our pride.
When I returned to the United States, I took up motorcycle touring in Texas. People seemed to be more doggedly asking me why I didn't date. I used the excuse that I could not find a girl that wanted to share my motorcycle. They bought it hook, line and sinker.
A soldier in another platoon was harassed continuously. When she admitted to being a lesbian, she was quickly discharged. She was an awesome soldier but that did not matter in the end. The strange thing about it was that everyone knew she was a lesbian and nobody she worked with cared. It was the platoon sergeant that believed he was saving the military from this person that he felt did not belong. It was stressful knowing that the Army would be coming for me someday.
I have a feeling that more than a few of my soldiers suspected that I was gay. I worked hard for my soldiers, and they worked hard for me. But after eight years of service, I chose not to re-enlist. Don't ask, don't tell was a recent policy, and I had a major problem with the military's procedure for truth, honesty and integrity. I thought it was stupid that the Army would support a person if they lied and would discharge them for telling the truth. During my service, I watched the Army treat drunk drivers, spousal abusers, drug dealers and thieves with fairness. I also watched them drive out a gay soldier for nothing more than loving someone.
I came out shortly after leaving the military. A year later, while I was visiting one of my old soldiers, I told him I was gay. He was very surprised. Later that evening he called me back for another visit. He told me he had "outed" me to the unit formation that afternoon and that people were cheering and laughing. He said that everyone thought it was great that I'm gay. It was a wonderful visit.
Leaving the Army was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I loved it, and I served gladly. But I was gay and was tired of the silence. I felt honored when my former soldiers insisted that I re-enlist. They told me they would proudly work for and with me again.
I thank SLDN, HRC and AVER for giving us a platform from which to speak.