Garland Auton
Senior Airman, U.S. Air Force (1987-1990)
I recall looking hard at the word "homosexual" on the entry form I filled out to enlist in the U.S. Air Force, then at the "Yes" or "No" boxes that followed the word. It seemed as though time stood still as I considered how to answer that question.
During most of my senior year in high school in 1986, I wondered what to do after graduation. I had very limited resources since my father was a coal miner, and I knew my family didn't have any money for me to go to college. I would either have to stay in my small town and try to find a job, or go into the military.
I wanted to travel and experience what the world had to offer, as most 18-year-olds do, but I was reluctant to enter into the military because I was afraid. I was afraid of who I was, afraid of what others would think of me, afraid of what would happen to me if they found out, afraid that I might get caught, afraid of the unknown world of the military. So I checked "No," mostly out of fear.
The moment I found out that my paperwork was complete and that I officially was going to enlist, I was thrilled and scared. I knew that I would have to live a double life: the life that the military wanted me to live and the life I wanted to live because of my sexual orientation.
I quickly adapted to my new surroundings at basic training. I watched and listened to the training instructors, making sure to do everything that I was told. I never wanted to draw attention to myself, for fear of being discovered for who I really was. After basic training, I was the model airman. I always had my boots shined, my pants and shirt creased, my gig line straight and my hat on properly. I discovered a new feeling through my military experience, and that feeling was honor. I was honored to be able to serve my country, and I was prepared to do it with my life if need be.
I signed up for overseas duty and was stationed in England at RAF Alconbury. My dream of traveling was a reality. I continued to be the model airman, receiving our unit's "Look Sharp" award four times, and being named "Airman of the Quarter" and "Airman of the Year" in base-wide competition. My supervisors used words like "dedicated," "hard working" and "professional" to describe me in my evaluations and commendation letters.
As time went on, I continued to be dedicated, hard working and professional, but I also started to be more afraid of being discovered as a gay man in the military. As my enlistment neared its end, I had to make a decision on whether to stay in the military and continue being afraid of who I was or to receive an "honorable discharge" and move on. I made my decision after re-reading a section of the Declaration of Independence: "… that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." In order to pursue my happiness, I could no longer serve in the military. I could not continue to live a double life.
If the policy on gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender service members were different and we were allowed to serve openly, then I would have made a career out of the military. I was good at it, and I loved it.