Transgender Visibility Guide: Having the Conversation
It’s common to want or hope for positive reactions from the people you tell, but that may not happen immediately. It might help to try to put yourself in their shoes to try and understand their likely reactions, potential questions and next steps.
The person to whom you disclose being transgender might feel:
- Surprised
- Honored
- Uncomfortable
- Scared
- Unsure how to react
- Distrusting
- Supportive
- Skeptical
- Relieved
- Curious
- Confused
- Angry
- Uncertain what to do next
You may want to verbalize the range of feelings they might be having and reassure them that it’s OK to ask questions. People will generally take their cues from you as to how they should approach things, so if you’re open and honest, you’re more likely to get openness and honesty in return.
Appropriate and gentle humor can also go a long way toward easing anxiety for both you and the person with whom you’re speaking. Always remember to give them time. It has taken you time to get to this point. Now they might need time to understand things, too.
Telling Parents
Regardless of your age, you may be afraid your parents will reject you if you tell them you are a transgender person. The good news is that most parents are able to come to a place of understanding. Some may never quite get it, but others may surprise you by becoming advocates themselves. However, if you are under 18 or financially dependent on your parents, consider this decision very carefully.
Some reactions you may want to prepare for:
Parents may react in ways that hurt. They may cry, get angry or feel embarrassed.
Some parents will need to grieve over the dreams they’ve had for you before they see the new, more genuine life you are building for yourself.
Some parents may say things like, “Well, you’ll always be a daughter to me — never a son.” Or they may be unkind about the way you express your gender. It may take time for them to get used to seeing you as you know you are.
They may ask where they “went wrong” or if they did something to “cause this.” Assure them they did nothing wrong and didn’t cause you to be transgender.
Some may think of being transgender as a sin or attempt to send you to a counselor or therapist in hopes they can “change” you.
Some parents or family members may already know or have an inkling that you are transgender. For some, hearing your news may come as a sense of relief.
Supportive or not, their initial feelings may not reflect their feelings over the long term. Keep in mind that this is big news and there’s no timetable for how long it takes parents to adjust.
Telling Partners and Spouses
One of the biggest reasons transgender people don’t disclose being transgender is fear of how a partner or spouse will react. They wonder if their spouse will ask for a divorce or if their partner will suddenly stop loving them.
The good news is that love is hard to stop suddenly. But even a relationship built on the strongest love may confront insurmountable challenges when a partner discloses being transgender. In these cases, separation may be inevitable. A husband or wife may find it difficult to trust a spouse who has kept their feelings secret, or that they’re no longer able to have a romantic relationship with a partner who is transitioning. But there are many others who discover that they can. More and more couples and families are staying together through transition, and disclosing that you’re transgender to those you love the most doesn’t have to lead to separation.
Before disclosing to a partner or spouse, it’s important to remember that they’ll need time and patience —just as you’d expect time and patience while working through your own feelings. Counseling can be helpful to many couples, as can talking with other couples who have been through similar situations.
Telling Children
There’s no one right or wrong way to have this conversation. Coming out to children can seem a daunting task. Depending on their ages, you may be worried about them rejecting you or about their safety at school if they tell friends.
If you have a partner, spouse, ex-partner or ex-spouse who is involved in your children’s lives, you may want to have the conversation together, if that’s possible. Or you might find that bringing a grandparent into the conversation is a good idea. Your children may have questions that they feel more comfortable asking someone else for fear that they’ll hurt your feelings. Older children, especially, may need more time to think about the news you’ve shared with them before they’re ready to talk.
It may be helpful to arrange a family counseling session to sort through feelings. Giving your children the ability to talk to other children of transgender parents can be enormously helpful.
Transgender Visibility Guide
