Transgender Visibility Guide: Making a Disclosure Plan
When you’re ready to tell that first person — or even those first few people — give yourself time to prepare. Think through the options and make a deliberate plan of whom to approach, the right time to do so and how to do it. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I know what I want to say?
Particularly at the beginning of the disclosure or coming out process, many people are still answering tough questions for themselves and are not ready to identify as transgender. Or they may know they are transgender without knowing exactly what that means to them or to others. That’s OK. Maybe you just want to tell someone that you’re starting to ask yourself these questions. Even if you don’t yet have all the answers, your feelings and your safety are what matter. To get a better idea of what it is you want to communicate, try writing it down to help organize your thoughts.
Who should I tell first?
This can be a critical decision. You may want to select people whom you suspect will be most supportive, as their support can help you share with others. If you’re coming out at work, who is the point person, or who can be your champion? Your human resources representative? A manager or co-worker? Someone at another transgender, LGBT or social justice organization? Do your homework before deciding. Also, know that this kind of news can travel quickly. If you’d prefer that the people you tell keep your news confidential, be sure to tell them so, and plan for the chance that someone you tell may not stay silent. Don’t be surprised if someone, intentionally or not, shares your news with others before you have a chance to do it yourself.
What kinds of signals am I getting?
Sometimes you can get a sense of how accepting people will be by the things they say. Maybe a transgender-themed movie or a transgender character on a TV show can get a discussion started. Or maybe someone in your life has told you that they joined an LGBT rights organization. But don’t read into these conversations too closely. The most LGBT-friendly person in the office may react negatively, and the person who said something insensitive about transgender people might end up being your strongest supporter.
Am I well-informed and willing to answer questions?
People’s reactions to the news that you’re transgender can depend largely on how much information they have about transgender issues and how much they feel they can ask. While more and more people are familiar with lesbian, gay and bisexual people and issues of sexual orientation, issues surrounding gender identity and expression aren’t yet as widely understood. If you’re well-informed and open to answering questions, it can go a long way toward helping others to understand. Some helpful facts and frequently asked questions can be found later in this guide. More information is available at www.hrc.org and at other sites referenced there.
Is this a good time?
Timing is key, and choosing the right time is up to you. Be aware of the mood, priorities, stresses and problems of those to whom you would like to come out. If they’re dealing with their own major life concerns, they may not be able to respond to your disclosure constructively.
Can I be patient?
Just as it took you time to come to terms with being transgender, some people will need time to think things over after you disclose that news to them. The reason you’ve chosen to be open with these people is that you care about them or that you found it necessary. If they react strongly, it’s probably because they care about you, too. Be prepared to give them space and time to adjust. Rather than expecting immediate understanding, work to establish an ongoing, non-judgmental, respectful dialogue.
Is it safe to disclose?
If you have any doubt at all as to your safety, carefully weigh your risks and options. Transgender people face the real threat of harassment and violence, and some transgender people choose to disclose being transgender in a safe space with friends by their sides to ensure their safety. Also, while more and more localities are passing laws that ban discrimination against transgender people, most transgender Americans are not legally protected from workplace discrimination. As a result, disclosure to someone at work could cost you your job and sometimes your livelihood. Visit www.hrc.org/workplace/transgender for a comprehensive guide to being transgender in the workplace.
Transgender Visibility Guide
