2009 National Adoption Month Chat
Over 100,000 children in the U.S. are waiting to be adopted. Each one deserves to be part of a loving, accepting family. We can be those families.
November is National Adoption Month, an opportunity to celebrate and raise awareness of adoption. As part of this celebration, the Human Rights Campaign hosted a national web chat on adoption on Thursday, Nov. 19, 2009.
Moderator
Director, HRC Family Project
Ellen Kahn joined the Human Rights Campaign Foundation in November 2005. Before joining HRC, Kahn spent eight years as director of the Lesbian Services Program of Whitman-Walker Clinic, the most comprehensive lesbian health and wellness program in the country. Among her many accomplishments at LSP, Kahn developed innovative educational and support programs for lesbians and gay men in the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area, helping to ensure that information about social, legal and political and practical issues of interest to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender families was widely available. In 2004, Kahn played a lead role in creating the first comprehensive LGBT parenting conference in the district, drawing more than 300 people from the region.
Kahn advocates for LGBT family equality at a wide variety of professional conferences, through membership on advisory boards and through her contacts with local and national media.
Originally from Philadelphia, Kahn earned her Master of Science degree from Temple University and her Master of Social Science degree from the Bryn Mawr College School of Social Work. The first 10 years of her professional life were dedicated to addressing the needs of people with HIV/AIDS. Kahn lives with her partner and two children in Silver Spring, Md.
Guests
National Project Director, AdoptUsKids
Kathy Ledesma is the National Project Director for AdoptUsKids, which is administered by the Adoption Exchange Association through a cooperative agreement with the Children’s Bureau. Prior to coming to AdoptUsKids in June 2008, Kathy worked for 20 years for the public child welfare system in Oregon. She served as Oregon’s statewide adoption manager for seven of those years and was on loan to the children’s bureau as the acting national adoption specialist from 2005 to 2007.
Ledesma’s professional work in child welfare dates back to 1973. It includes seven years with the state of Washington, positions with two private adoption agencies and two years as the onsite director for a 100-bed facility in Chiapas, Mexico, for orphaned, abandoned, abused and neglected children and youth.
Ledesma has served as president of the National Association of State Adoption Program Managers and on the Executive Committee of the Association of Administrators of the Interstate Compact on Adoption and Medical Assistance. She received her B.A. from Kalamazoo College and her M.S.W. from Portland State University.
Chief Executive Officer & Founder, ROOTS Inc.
J. Toni Oliver is president and CEO of ROOTS Inc., the first adoption agency in Georgia to focus solely on improving adoption opportunities for African-American children. In addition, Oliver is president of J.T. Oliver & Associates, a child welfare training and consultation firm based in Atlanta, Ga.
Oliver incorporated ROOTS on April 21, 1992, to address the growing number of African-American children drifting aimlessly in foster care. Currently, ROOTS serves more than 100 families per month who are actively engaged in the adoption process and has placed nearly 400 children with permanent adoptive families.
In 1999, Oliver took a two-year sabbatical from ROOTS to take a position as program manager for adoptions with the Child and Family Services Agency in the District of Columbia. Under her supervision, finalized adoption services were improved and 600 adoptions were finalized, representing a 250 percent increase in finalized placements for the District of Columbia.
For 3 ½ years, Oliver served as director of consultation and training services for the Child Welfare Institute in Atlanta. Prior to CWI, she was the associate director of training and consultation for the National Adoption Center in Philadelphia, Pa.
She is the proud parent of two daughters. Oliver holds a Bachelor of Arts in sociology from Bennett College and a master’s in social work from Temple University.
Professor, Eastern Michigan University
Dennis Patrick received his Ph.D. in interpersonal and family communication from the University of Texas. He is currently a professor in the communication department at Eastern Michigan University. His research interests focus on gay parenting and communication in foster/adoptive families. Patrick and his partner Tom have fostered 16 children and have adopted four boys through the foster care system.
Chat Transcript
Ellen Kahn: Hello everyone! Welcome to today’s web chat on LGBT adoption. We’ll be getting started in five minutes. We’ve already received a lot of great questions for today’s guests. Send us your question right now by entering it in the comment box at the bottom of the screen and hitting return. Your question will be added to the queue and answered in the order it was received.
Ellen Kahn: Hello again, and welcome to today’s web chat on LGBT adoption. Today’s discussion is part of HRC’s celebration of National Adoption Month, when we celebrate adoptive families and raise awareness of the children and youth who are waiting to be adopted.
Ellen Kahn: At this moment, there are over 500,000 children and youth in foster care in the U.S and120,000 of them need a permanent family. Today we’re going to discuss the specific opportunities – and potential challenges – for members of the LGBT community who are considering adoption.
Ellen Kahn: We’re joined by a dynamic panel of guests. Let me start by saying hello and welcoming Kathy Ledesma, project manager of AdoptUsKids, a federally funded, national collaborative that connects prospective families with waiting children across the U.S. Kathy, it’s great to have you with us.
Kathy Ledesma: Thank you, I’m glad to be here.
Ellen Kahn: Next I’d like to welcome Dennis Patrick, a professor at Eastern Michigan University, and an experienced foster/adoptive parent. Dennis and his partner have adopted four children from foster care, and continue to provide foster care to others. Welcome, Dennis.
Dennis Patrick: Thanks, Ellen!
Ellen Kahn: We’re also joined by Toni Oliver, president and CEO of Roots Inc., an adoption agency in Georgia, which has the primary goal of reducing the number of African American children in foster care in that state. Toni, thank you for being here.
Toni Oliver: Thank you for inviting me and thanks to HRC for hosting this chat and helping to get the word out to LGBT folks about opportunities to adopt.
Ellen Kahn: And of course, I’d like to welcome YOU. Whether you are learning about the adoption process for the first time or you’re an adoptive parent – anywhere in between – thank you for being here today. Send us your question by typing in the comment box at the bottom of your screen and hitting return. Your question will be added to the queue and answered in the order it was received.
Ellen Kahn: We have questions from people all over the U.S. but before we answer them, I need to provide a legal disclaimer: The information provided in this chat is for educational and informational purposes only. The information provided does not constitute financial, tax, or legal advice by the Human Rights Campaign Foundation or the presenters for any individual or couple. Neither HRC nor the presenters assume any responsibility for the accuracy of the information provided. Each individual and couple should seek the advice of his or her own attorney or financial advisor regarding the advisability of any action for their particular situation.
Ellen Kahn: Okay, let’s get started!
Ellen Kahn: Our first question comes from aaron:
aaron: I live in Cleveland, Ohio. How do I find gay friendly agencies near me?
Ellen Kahn: It’s a great question because finding an agency that is respectful and values you is really essential. You can look at HRC’s website hrc.org/acaf which includes a list of agencies that have signed a pledge reflecting a commitment to working with the LGBT community. It also shows agencies that have taken additional steps toward achieving the All Children – All Families seal of recognition. But this list is not exhaustive and there are other agencies that we know are welcoming.
Ellen Kahn: Another good way is to talk to other LGBT families and find out about their experiences and get some recommendations. You can also look at the websites of agencies and read their mission statement and read materials to see if there is something in their communications that speak to you - maybe something like the specific mention of working with the LGBT community or pictures of two moms or two dads.
Toni Oliver: I don’t now a resource in Ohio but in Georgia there is MEGA Family Project and I would imagine that there are places like this across the country.
Ellen Kahn: The resource Toni mentioned is a resource for LGBT parents and they connect with agencies across the country. You may be able to find that there are similar agencies in Ohio.
Ellen Kahn: In addition you can ask the agency if they have worked with other gay male couples and have placed with them. You can ask that they put you in touch with these other families so that they can provide some mentorship.
Ellen Kahn: Thank you, Toni. Our next question is from Nick:
Nick: Is it harder for men than for women to adopt?
Dennis Patrick: In my experience, no, that was not the case at all. In Michigan, I had to adopt as a single man even though I’m in a long term relationship because our state does not allow same sex couples to jointly adopt. I realize there are a lot of negative stereotypes and stigmas surrounding gay men and children. But I think that’s why it’s important to find an agency that’s supportive of LGBT applicants because they often end up being your biggest supporters and defenders.
Toni Oliver: I haven’t found it any more difficult for men rather than women, I think like Dennis said, it’s just about finding an agency that is supportive of LGBT people and they will be your best advocates.
Ellen Kahn: Thank you, Dennis and Toni. Our next question is from tom55:
tom55: I’m interested in adopting and I am currently single. Why would I need to discuss my sexual orientation at all?
Toni Oliver: Good question, it’s something all families ask. This process is very investigative and can feel very intrusive into your life. It has been a part of the homestudy process for a long time, but is asked to everyone not just LGBT people. I can only say not to think that this is a question used to exclude you but is a question to find out more about you.
Dennis Patrick: I would add that we have fostered and adopted older children as well as younger children, and some of the children could care less about our sexual orientation, but if a child is very homophobic, then your family may not be the very best fit for them. You want it to be a good placement for you and for your child, and you want to avoid that instance where they may have to leave your home for whatever reason. So I think the more you know about them and the more they know about you, the better the chance for a successful placement.
Ellen Kahn: I would like to add to what Toni and Dennis said that honesty is a really important value in adoption practice and if you’re working with an agency and social workers that are truly welcoming and inclusive then disclosing your sexual orientation is not going to be a red flag or eliminate you from the process, but is going to create an opportunity to discuss what that might mean in terms of being a parent and what your support system is like. Also, what it might mean in terms of dating and your future and being able to talk about that and not having to leave out an important part of your life.
Dennis Patrick: Yes, that’s a great response Ellen. We had 21 children placed with us, so it obviously didn’t exclude us from potential placement. And in our experience we had our children find out before they moved in with us, rather than after they came to live with us.
Ellen Kahn: This next question comes from JST, Kathy seems like this one is for you:
JST: I looked at the AdoptUsKids website – I live in Maine and am interested in adopting a 9-year-old girl, but she lives in New Jersey. Is it possible for me to adopt her? If so, what should I do next?
Kathy Ledesma: The children you see on websites may not still be available when you get homestudies done, so be prepared for this. Have your homestudy sent to the child’s worker if you have already completed one.
Kathy Ledesma: I would encourage you to pursue the adoption in your jurisdiction. I would also encourage you to go to the state services department or child services website to find out about requirements. After that, contact an adoption agency to get a homestudy done in your own state, either through a public or private agency.
Kathy Ledesma: Our AdoptUSKids website includes state specific guidelines for Maine and guidelines for all states.
Ellen Kahn: This next question comes from Christie:
Christie: My partner and I would like to know if we adopted from foster care, will we be able to adopt a younger child?
Kathy Ledesma: The average age of children who are waiting for adoptive homes in child welfare services is over 8 years old. If you would like to adopt a younger child, I would start looking as an adoptive parent. Potentially, you will wait longer for a younger child if you hope to adopt through foster care.
Toni Oliver: I would caution people who want to adopt and have a child with them permanently when they are thinking about becoming foster parents, because the goal of fostering children is to ultimately return the child back to the birth parents. If you are open to this then definitely consider fostering children.
Kathy Ledesma: Learn more about foster parenting and children in foster care.
Dennis Patrick: I would agree with what Toni said. As a foster parent you have to work as a team with the goal of having the child return to the birth family. If you have an age range or are interested in fostering boys or girls for example, be prepared because our agencies would often call us and say “we know you were interested in this boy or girl,” but they would offer us other placements because there are times when they are just looking for good homes, so I think you have to know what you’re willing and capable of doing as a foster parent.
Ellen Kahn: Given that the average age of children waiting to be adopted is 8 to 12 years old, and if your ultimate decision is to have a child placed with you who is under the age of 4 you may be waiting a longer time, it is not necessarily impossible you are just likely to face a longer wait.
Ellen Kahn: Our next question is from Tori:
Tori: I live in a state that doesn’t allow joint adoption and my girlfriend and I are just starting to look into adoption and we’ve heard different opinions about whether or not we should be “out” as a couple, or if only one of us should present as a single woman. What is best?
Dennis Patrick: I would recommend openness in applying to be a foster or adoptive parent. Present yourself as you are with integrity. And in our state we had to make the decision in terms of which one of us was going to adopt. Even if we couldn’t adopt as a couple, I adopted as an openly gay man.
Dennis Patrick: Even though I had to adopt as a single man in Michigan, I did so as an openly gay man and the agency recognized my partner as a parent as well and treated us both equally as partners and as parents. And during my son’s adoption the judge invited my partner to come up with me when we finalized my adoption.
Ellen Kahn: Thank you for the question Tori. Learn more about adoption laws in your state.
Ellen Kahn: This next question comes from Carl:
Carl: It will be 6 months on Dec.12, 2009, since my partner and I were approved through Montgomery, Alabama. I was told that after 6 months, we could adopt outside of Alabama. We were trying not to have to do that. We have inquired on children but the social worker doesn't seem to be responding. We know that our approved homestudy is on file. Can someone help us?
Kathy Ledesma: First, it’s important to know that many states are experiencing major budget problems that make response times for agencies slower than normal, so don’t despair. If you need help contacting an agency in Alabama, AdoptUSKids is glad to help contact an agency on your behalf. You can contact us at 1-888-200-4005 or at www.adoptuskids.org/help/contact.aspx.
Kathy Ledesma: Remember that if a family is applying to adopt a specific type of child, as far as age, gender, race, handicapping, disabling conditions, etc., that determines how long they are going to wait. So it’s not a matter of working your way up the overall stack of families ready to adopt, its working your way up the stack through the perspective families for the type of child that they have decided to adopt.
Toni Oliver: Ask for the agency case worker that has been given their case and for their supervisor to discuss the status of their homestudy. If they haven’t been assigned one they can ask for a grievance statement and file it. I would also say do what Kathy said and go on AdoptUsKids and see what children are available in Alabama, because it might be an agency problem not a state problem.
Dennis Patrick: I would add that if you suspect your agency is not LGBT-friendly, if that may be the cause, if they find an agency more welcoming, it’s usually a fairly simple process to get transferred. I would recommend something that my partner and I did, in the times when we were waiting for a child we would do volunteer work for the agency. That was a way for them to know us more personally and got to know our commitment and involvement, and I think that helped to a certain extent as well.
Ellen Kahn: If you’re just joining us, welcome! We’re having a great conversation about adoption with Kathy Ledesma, Dennis Patrick and Toni Oliver. Please send us your question right now by entering it in the comment box at the bottom of your screen, then hitting return. Your question will be added to the queue and answered in the order it was received.
Ellen Kahn: The next question comes from Lindsey:
Lindsey: My sister and her husband adopted last year and I remember them talking about the homestudy process. Will the homestudy be any different if I adopt (I’m a lesbian)?
Toni Oliver: I would say the homestudy process should be no different. The requirements that have to be met are the same for everyone.
Toni Oliver: There are a number of things that are considered to be required for a child to live there. They will be looking for sleeping space, considering how old children will be when they can no longer sleep in a room with an adult, or when opposite sex children need to have separate rooms. Other health and safety things depending on the age of the child; outlet covers, smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, financials, and documentation of citizenship. They want to basically see that you are a resident, and that where you live is a healthy and safe place for the child.
Ellen Kahn: A homestudy is intended to ensure that a child or children that are placed with a family will be safe and it’s also an opportunity to explore what kind of child or children you can parent. Each of us has different strengths, capacities and experiences that prepare us to be parents and the homestudy process helps us and the social workers to understand what type of child or children are a best match for us.
Dennis Patrick: When it comes down to the homestudy, when the agency is coming into your home, I know many families have panicked thinking that they were going to open every drawer, every door. They are looking for certain things required by state law to keep the child safe. A lot of it was what you said Ellen, talking to us about the kind of children we could effectively parent, and that was a good conversation to have with each other, as well as with the agency.
Kathy Ledesma: In summary, I would add that the charge of every child care agency is to assure the safety, permanency and well being of children in their care. Regardless of what kind of family is being considered for adoption – a single parent, a heterosexual couple or same-sex partners – families are all being evaluated for the same things. The family’s capacity to provide the safety, permanency and well being of the child that they hope to adopt is what is trying to be established through the home study.
Kathy Ledesma: Get more about the homestudy process from AdoptUSKids or Child Welfare Information Gateway.
Dennis Patrick: Even if the overall agency is LGBT knowledgeable and supportive, that does not mean every worker at that agency is the same way or have the same beliefs.
Ellen Kahn: You can ask for a social worker who has worked with other LGBT applicants so that you are more likely to get someone who is comfortable and engaging. Sometimes when a social worker is assigned without much thought you may get someone who isn’t totally comfortable with an LGBT client and it may create an intense experience for them as a social worker and for you.
Ellen Kahn: This next question comes from mcc80:
mcc80: Dennis: How did you decide what type of child you wanted to adopt?
Dennis Patrick: We started with the questionnaire that the agency gave us and that was a really good starting point for my partner and I to have a conversation about the kind of children we could effectively parent. We were pretty open in terms of age, sex and race, and as others have said, the more open you are, the more likely you are to get a placement. It’s also important to realize what your limits are and to be able to communicate this to the agency. Nobody wants a child to be placed with you and it doesn’t work out for whatever reason and the child has to be moved again.
Ellen Kahn: This next question comes from Tiffone Lee - Atlanta GA:
Tiffone Lee - Atlanta GA: I live in a suburb of Atlanta GA and my partner and I want to adopt. We have attended our local Impact Classes provided by DFCS and our home study was completed back in June but nothing else so far. What is the average time it takes from attending classes to receiving your home study and approval to matching you with a child?
Kathy Ledesma: One thing that I would add to mcc80’s question is that it’s important to remember that 80% of children adopted out of foster care are adopted by their relatives. It’s that remaining 20% percent of children that because of age, disability, handicapping, past abuse, or being a part of a sibling group that are still waiting to be adopted. All of the children available for adoption out of foster care should be viewed as challenging to adopt and LGBT individuals and couples shouldn’t take it personally that those are the children available to them for adoption.
Toni Oliver: Tiffone Lee: The timeframe is hard to provide because it depends on the characteristics that you will consider like age, disability. Go to the http://www.myturnnow.com/ and see if you can identify children that you would like to consider and tell the adoption agency about them. Also, if you have more questions specifically feel free to give me a call at Roots, Inc. at 404-209-7077. Something everyone should know is its possible and relatively easy to transfer agencies if you find in fact that the agency is the problem.
Ellen Kahn: Great, thanks. This next question comes from John:
John: Could you tell me why it is that public agencies refuse to give potential foster/adoptive parents a copy of their homestudies as opposed to private agencies who are a bit less stringent?
Dennis Patrick: We worked with both private and public agencies and we’ve always been able to get a copy of our homestudy upon request.
Kathy Ledesma: I would ask the agency what their policy is and if that’s their normal policy or if the agency is just not showing you the homestudy. This may be a question that should be asked up front when researching agencies. You may choose not to work with an agency based on their homestudy policy.
Toni Oliver: As an agency we do not routinely give people their homestudy; however if they request to read it we will allow it but we will take out what their references’ comments, because that was given to us confidentially. The other reason we don’t give it is because we provide free homestudies and we don’t want them taking it around to other agencies. However, they should definitely be able to see what has been written about them.
Ellen Kahn: Thank you Toni, next question is from Matthew:
Matthew: How hard or is it possible for 2 gay men who are married and are HIV positive to adopt in NYC? Both are healthy and undetectable.
Ellen Kahn: As folks are typing their answers I would like to invite everyone to please visit www.hrc.org/adoptionmonth to continue to take part in our celebration of National Adoption Month by reading our blog series and/or sharing your adoption story.
Kathy Ledesma: For child caring agencies, the goals are to provide for a child’s safety, permanency, and well-being. The applicants would have to have a statement from their physicians about their health conditions and their ability to care for a child. Many parents have terminal illnesses, and they can parent a child until they are no longer able to, so it’s important to have a plan of succession as to who will care for the child if the parent can no longer care for the child.
Kathy Ledesma: The Americans with Disabilities Act prohibits discrimination based on physical conditions unless it is proven that they cannot parent the child that is looking to be adopted.
Ellen Kahn: Thanks Kathy, next question is from Carla:
Carla: My partner and I have adopted two little sisters through both a private adoption then through the foster care system in another state. It has been a long, arduous, frustrating process even without fully disclosing our sexual orientation, which I’m sure would have made it completely impossible had we disclosed this. What can we do now that our own adoptions are done or almost done, as advocates for children to help other gay and lesbian families to be able to adopt these children that so desperately need loving families?
Kathy Ledesma: Adoption from foster care is difficult, and almost all children when they come into foster care have a plan of return - the agency that has custody is looking for alternatives if that cannot occur. Many things can happen when a parent is seeking to adopt. I would not necessarily say that it takes so long because of the marital status and sexual orientation of the applicants, although it could be a factor. Agencies need to assure the safety, permanence and well-being of the children they are hoping to place.
Dennis Patrick: As an illustration, our oldest son was placed to us, and his adoption finalization took 15 months. Our next two boys only took 8 months. There’s a lot of variability in terms of how long the process can take. In terms of being an advocate, simply being out as a gay family is important. I speak at local universities about being a gay parent. People will find you and ask you for your help and advice in the process. You just have to be open and out enough for them to be able to find you.
Ellen Kahn: Being a resource to other prospective parents in your community will be a gift to them. So sharing your story, speaking on panels at local LGBT gatherings, and submitting blog entries to adoption websites that chronicle experiences and gives suggestions to others is a definite way to advocate.
Toni Oliver: I would add that it could be dangerous for a family that misrepresents themselves to an agency and could possibly disrupt the process if someone wants to go back in and say they misrepresented themselves and the process will stop.
Ellen Kahn: Carla, I’m sure that you and your partner made the decision that was best for you, perhaps in your state same-sex couples aren’t prohibited from adopting, but not disclosing your sexual orientation is risky particularly in states that it is codified in law. We recognize that the decision to be out is a very complicated and personal; however, HRC does not recommend that prospective adoptive parents lie or misrepresent themselves to an agency.
Ellen Kahn: Thanks all. Our next question is from Matt:
Matt: Many children in foster care have had to deal with difficult things. Is it fair for them to be placed with a gay family? Won’t that just be another challenge?
Kathy Ledesma: Every child needs and deserves a permanent loving family, and every family has different challenges. Who’s to say that a heterosexual couple won’t get divorced somewhere down the line? Most important is that the family has come forward to provide a home for the child.
Dennis Patrick: In some ways, as LGBT individuals we may be able to relate to the experience that someone in foster care has of being different. Some of us are also separated from our families but for different reasons. I think we may be in a unique position to understand some of the experience they’re going through and to help them through those experiences.
Toni Oliver: I would say that I wouldn’t look at it as a challenge but as an opportunity. As people that look at children who have been abused or neglected and want to provide for them.
Ellen Kahn: Thanks Toni, our next question is from Justice:
Justice: I would like more or better ideas on how to answer this question: Why doesn't Corwyn have a mommy? My partner and I were blessed in March with a newborn we adopted from Texas. Corwyn's birthmom has been struggling with substance use and is not available for ongoing contact. Some of my friends’ children have been increasingly asking this question, very LBGT friendly families. I feel great talking about this question, just would like more ideas on approaching the subject.
Dennis Patrick: There’s a couple ways we handle that question. We never say they don’t have a mom because they do. They do have one. That’s one answer we avoid giving. Sometimes we say we’re a gay family or we’re a same-sex couple, all families are different, or that the mom lives somewhere else. Depending on the situation, we provide more information. Depending on if the question was in passing or if they were really interested, we kind of look to them for cues as to how much information we’re willing to provide.
Ellen Kahn: I talked to a gay male couple recently who adopted a sibling set of three children. They were in the supermarket with their sons and someone said, “Oh, it must be your wives’ night off.” One of the father’s responded, “Actually, they have two dads because their mother wasn’t able to take care of them.” This answer was a way for the father to validate in front of their kids that their birth mother exists. When kids are adopted they do have a birth family and adoptive parents and there are relatively straight forward ways to answer these types of questions.
Kathy Ledesma: For LGBT families that want to share their stories; you can submit them and be a Featured Family on AdoptUSKids’ website by emailing family@adoptuskids.org.
Ellen Kahn:Our next question is from John:
John: Is it a routine policy to only allow prospective parents to make inquiries on one child at a time as opposed to more than one? I'm asking because as a single non-gay male I've found it extremely hard to adopt and the process has taken me nearly 3 years and I'm still unmatched.
Toni Oliver: That’s really an agency decision. It’s not a law or regulation or policy, it’s just an agency practice. There are several agencies that allow more than one child to be looked at. Here at our agency our limit is 5 children at a time because that allows the social worker to get all the information needed.
Kathy Ledesma: The ethical thing for an agency to do is show that a family is being seriously considered for the placement of a child with other families. Once that process is over, if the family is not selected, then they can continue looking, but not inquiring until they know that they are no longer being considered.
Ellen Kahn: Thanks Kathy, the next question is from Shawn:
Shawn: I’m not worried that I can’t adopt because I’m gay. I’m worried it’s too complicated.
Kathy Ledesma: Adoption takes a long time and there are many steps to go through. Whether adopting from foster care, or a domestic or international adoption - it takes time. The average wait, between the first day of foster care and adoption is 36 months.
Kathy Ledesma: Learn more about the adoption process.
Ellen Kahn: Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It requires patience, determination, motivation, knowledge, but it works. At the end of the process you will have a child or children placed. It could be a 6 to 8 month process or 3 years. You know from the conversation so far what some of the variables are and why it is so complicated. It’s ultimately about finding the best family for the child, but when you’re a waiting parent you forget it is about the child and not about you, because you’re so eager. Sometimes it’s important to be reminded that what is at the core of adoption is finding the best family for a child.
Ellen Kahn: I recommend that as a waiting parent you attend support groups to be with other waiting families and be actively engaged in the process, this will be helpful because it is a bit of a rollercoaster ride.
Ellen Kahn: Next question is from Costa:
costa: Is there a state which it is easier for gays to adopt?
Ellen Kahn: Check out the adoption laws in your state.
Dennis Patrick: While you’re at an advantage if you’re in a state that has laws favorable to LGBT adoption, it’s also important to be working with an agency and staff that are committed to LGBT foster care and adoption, because it doesn’t do much good if you’re in a state that is favorable but working with an agency that is not.
Toni Oliver: An agency should be able to provide you with a list of gay partners and singles so you can talk to them about their experience with the agency.
Ellen Kahn: This next question is from Joanna:
Joanna: Do agencies usually only place LGBT kids with LGBT parents?
Kathy Ledesma: I think the answer is no. A child or adolescent’s sexual identity or orientation is only one of many factors considered when looking for the best family for that child to be placed with.
Ellen Kahn: For LGBT adults who want to be a foster or adoptive parent for LGBT youth, that is something that you would want to be clear about when talking with your social worker so that if there is an LGBT youth waiting for a family they are aware of a potential match.
Ellen Kahn: However, it is not always a good match for all LGBT youth to be placed with an LGBT family, but we can be a resource for those youth. LGBT families should not ONLY be considered for LGBT youth and that should not be the only motivation for an agency to work with us.
Ellen Kahn: The next question comes from karina:
karina: Hello! I live in Florida. Is there absolutely no hope yet for me and my partner to adopt?
Kathy Ledesma: The current law in Florida does not allow adoption by gay and lesbian people, but it does allow for foster parenting. We can expect that the ban is going to be overturned, and it’s just a matter of time. One thing to consider is starting the journey as a foster parent and knowing that it’s just a matter of time before you are able to adopt.
Ellen Kahn: The next question is from Mary:
Mary: is there a specific website for LGBT-friendly international adoption and is the process any quicker?
Ellen Kahn: The landscape of international adoption for same-sex couples is very challenging. There are no countries we know of that explicitly allow children from their country to be adopted by same-sex couples. Some countries require single people to produce an affidavit proving that they are heterosexual, so the opportunity for someone who is an out LGB individual or same-sex couple to adopt internationally are limited and require a lot of risk. Regarding the waiting process, for international adoption the process is taking around 3 to 4 years for countries like China and Russia.
Ellen Kahn: Our next question is from Julie:
Julie : I’m a social worker in an agency that is not very LGBT-friendly, and I know there are lots of LGBT folks in the community that want to adopt if they felt welcome. Is there anything I can do to create a more welcoming agency?
Toni Oliver: One of the things that was very helpful for me in my agency was getting the All Children - All Families Promising Practices Guide that had many issues that needed to be addressed among all areas of the agency. We then needed to think about what we need to do to make our agency better for LGBT people to adopt.
Kathy Ledesma: AdoptUSKids is a federally funded project that, since 2002, has been prohibited from supporting or promoting adoption by LGBT persons. Now, that policy has been changed and you can look for more information to be on our website and for a strong partnership with HRC in the future.
Ellen Kahn: Okay we're nearing the end of the chat; I would like to invite our guests to offer any last thoughts. Dennis?
Dennis Patrick: I would encourage LGBT individuals and families out there to really consider becoming foster parents and/or adopting. There are many, many children who need permanent families or need temporary care, and there are lots and lots of LGBT homes that would be a wonderful place for them.
Ellen Kahn: Thanks Dennis, Kathy?
Kathy Ledesma: I would just say that as of September 30, 2008, there were 463,000 children in foster care in United States. As of now, there are 123,000 children waiting to be adopted.
Kathy Ledesma: If you have any interest to go one more step, you can make a difference in the lives of these children. You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent.
Ellen Kahn: Thanks Kathy, Toni?
Toni Oliver: I would say there are so many children who don’t care if their parents are LGBT - they just care that they have loving, stable parents.
Ellen Kahn: Thank you, and thanks to all of YOU who joined us today. We couldn’t have had today’s chat without your participation. I’m sorry we couldn’t get to everyone’s questions. If you had a question we didn’t answer, feel free to email it to family@hrc.org
Ellen Kahn: I hope you’ve found this chat both educational and inspiring. Please continue to reach out to HRC as a resource as you pursue adoption.
Ellen Kahn: And check back at www.hrc.org/adoptionmonth for our continuing celebration of National Adoption Month. Have a wonderful afternoon!
