When Children Question Their Gender
Q: Dear Ritch,
My 7-year-old daughter firmly believes she is a boy and has asked us to start using male pronouns. My husband and I try to avoid using any pronouns at all and have asked the school to cooperate. Thankfully, the teachers haven't had a problem going along with our request and none of her peers are causing her problems yet.
We have done some reading on the issue and believe she may have what is referred to as "gender identity disorder." Since she's perfectly happy and healthy, neither of us wants to take her to a psychologist because we worry that she might get the idea we think there's something wrong with her. We're both aware, though, that the older she gets, the higher the possibility that her peers will tease, harass and possibly harm her. I'm worried about being able to balance my support for her and my fears about how others may treat her. I'd appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.
Thank you,
Karen
A: Dear Karen,
You are doing exactly what you should be doing -- listening to your child's concerns, informing yourself thinking about safety issues, and offering unconditional love and support. It is also the responsibility of the school to provide your child with an unwavering safe, respectful and supportive environment, and you should continue to insist on this of all schools, clubs and organizations.
Yes, your child might have some of the characteristics of the psychiatric diagnosis, gender identity disorder, but that cannot be known without additional detailed information. Some questions you might want to think about are:
- Does your child have "persistent discomfort with her sex or sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex?" That is, how does your child feel about her femaleness?
- Does your child have "clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning?" That is, how is your child coping with the sense of maleness and absence of femaleness?
It may be that your child is now and will continue to be transgender in the broad sense: that one's gender identity and expression do not correspond with the social or cultural norms or expectations of their genetic sex. Unknown at this time is whether your child is or will become a transsexual: an individual who presents himself and lives as a gender different from his genetic sex. In either case, your involvement and love, your wisdom and openness will be needed.
But I would currently advise against therapy, since, as you say, it could suggest a problem where there is none. It might be a future consideration if the environment is not respectful. However, keep in mind that any therapy should not be change-oriented but supportive.
Finally, there are many other children similar to your child. If you write to me via family@hrc.org, I can refer you to a high school student who had a similar experience to your child. It might be useful to make those contacts.
Sincerely,
Ritch Savin-Williams
Savin-Williams is a Cornell University professor of clinical and developmental psychology and author of Mom, Dad, I'm Gay.
April 24, 2003
