How Can I Cope With Holiday Stress?
Dr. Mary Barber, president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists. Nov. 7, 2002
Q: Dear Mary,
I am looking for some type of information on dealing with holidays when you're the only person who is gay in your family. Holidays are tough enough when everyone is of the same sexual orientation. Any suggestions?
Thanks.
Heidi
A: Heidi,
Holidays are tough for many people. The pressures of trying to buy the "perfect" gifts, of interacting with relatives about whom we may have mixed feelings, of perhaps being pressured to overindulge in food and alcohol, can be difficult. For many people, holidays also bring up memories of loved ones lost, to death, divorce or breakup. Add to this the stress of being gay in a society that is still structured around heterosexual relationships, and it is easy to see why many gay people feel anxious in anticipation of the holiday season.
You did not say whether you're out to your family of origin, whether you're single or in a relationship, or whether your family is supportive of your orientation. All of these can be factors in raising the level of holiday stress for gay people. If you are not out to your family, that can certainly make for a strained experience of visiting home, with the potential for facing uncomfortable questions about where you spend your time, whether you're seeing someone and even pressure about when you're getting married. If you're out and your family is not supportive, you can face similar stress with the possibility your family will ask no questions about your life or even make offensive comments about your orientation. If you have a partner, she may not be welcome at family events, even if a spouse of one of your siblings would be.
As with any stressful event, the advice to keep in mind is take care of yourself and attend to your needs. This can mean getting enough rest, eating well, exercising and doing all that basic self-care. It can mean shortening your stay with your parents, and making some time to celebrate with your "gay family," whether that means getting together with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender friends, being alone with your partner, or going to an event in the community. It may mean lowering your expectations of how well interacting with members of your family of origin will go, so that you do not come away from the experience with as much hurt and disappointment. It may mean deciding to come out to family because the pain of hiding has become too much, or it may mean deciding not to talk about your relationship this time because the reaction has been too negative. It may even mean deciding not to spend the holidays with family this year. These are all personal decisions for you to weigh, depending on your circumstances.
Be well, and remember: This, too, shall pass.