How do I Talk to My Grandchildren about Their Two moms?
Answered by Liz Coolidge, coordinator of the LGBT Family and Parenting Services at Fenway Community Health in Boston. Nov. 28, 2001
Talking about a grandchild's two moms
Q: Dear Liz,
Our wonderful daughter married her partner in a lovely ceremony last October. They are expecting their first baby, conceived by donor insemination, in February.
As excited grandparents, we want to describe our upcoming event and want to do so thoughtfully and appropriately. How do we refer to our daughter's partner? Is our grandchild's "other mother" acceptable? Perhaps our new grandchild's "mother's partner" could work, but it seems awkward. How do we differentiate between the two mothers?
We want to aid and comfort but are confused in our naïveté and would appreciate some experienced guidance. If you have any suggestions, I will certainly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Robert
A: Dear Robert,
How lucky your daughter and "daughter-in-law" are to have you as their child's grandparents! I applaud your desire to be supportive and appropriate. Perhaps you could ask your daughter and her partner what they are planning to call themselves in relation to the baby. Many lesbian couples choose to use different names for mother, such as Mom and Mummy or Mama and Mommy. Others prefer to be called Mommy Sarah and Mommy Jane. I'm sure the expectant parents are thinking about this and would welcome your interest and wish to support them in their choices.
Most lesbian couples who plan to have a baby together do not differentiate between their roles as mothers - that is, they both plan to parent with equal rights and responsibilities. Referring to your grandchild's "mother's partner" does not support this equality. Here are some suggestions:
"This is my new grandchild and these are her/his two mothers!"
"My new grandchild is so lucky because s/he has two mothers."
"My daughter and her partner, Susan, are expecting a baby in April. We are so thrilled to be grandparents!"
If someone asks you the common question, "Who is the real mother?" you can answer, "Both of them. My daughter is carrying the child, but they will both be the child's parents." Generally, it is more inclusive to say "two mothers" than "mother and other mother."
You also might find Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) a useful resource. I wish you and the new family the best.
Sincerely,
Liz Coolidge
Coolidge is coordinator of the LGBT Family and Parenting Services at Fenway Community Health in Boston.
Nov. 28, 2001