What Can a Mother Do if She Accidentally Finds Out Her Son is Gay?
Answered by Kirsten Kingdon, executive director of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Aug. 21, 2001
When a mother accidentally finds out her son is gay
Q: Dear Kirsten,
Today my inner feelings that my oldest son is gay were confirmed. While using his computer, I accidentally found a message between him and another guy. I also have found men's pictures on his computer. In my son's message, he left no doubt that he is, indeed, gay and is afraid his parents and brothers will disown him if they knew.
I love my son dearly and unconditionally. Even though I've kind of known for some time, finding out for sure has hit me hard. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know if I should tell him what I found or let him find his own way of telling me. He and I are very close, and there's no problem with our discussing anything. But, obviously, this is overwhelming, and I need to know what I should do.
I will appreciate any advice you can give me.
Thank you,
April
A: Dear April,
The advice I would give you is to continue to do the same things you're doing already: love your son and reach out for information and support. You're on the right track.
Learning that a loved one, especially a son or daughter, is gay, lesbian or bisexual can be confusing and overwhelming at first. Many people react this way but with time their initial anxiety fades. Remember that your son is the same great person he has always been, and you're the great Mom you've always been.
Before approaching your son about your discovery, educate yourself. Then when you are ready to talk with him, you will have some information and may feel more comfortable.
There are many great resources for parents. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) has a publication, Our Daughters and Sons, that specifically addresses the range of emotions parents experience when the realize their children are gay. You can find it in the Straight Parent Information chapter and on the PFLAG web page, where we also offer many other resources for parents.
When you are ready to talk to your son, I would suggest that confronting him with the messages you found on his computer may only lead to him being embarrassed or defensive. Instead, gently broach the subject. Since it sounds like he is afraid to come out to family members, he may need some reassurance of your love for him. A direct approach may not be the best.
You may want to send him a note, telling him that he doesn't need to hide himself from you, that you love him and welcome talking with him when he's ready. Let him know that you are not going to abandon him because he's gay. Then give him some time to respond to you. If he still avoids the topic, you may want to gently and privately mention one of the books you've read or hint at one of the movies you've seen. Keep the lines of communication open. Let him know that you will be available whenever he is.
You mention that you and your son are very close. You will be amazed with how much closer you will become when he's able to share his whole self with you.
Sincerely,
Kirsten Kingdon
Kingdon is the executive director of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
August 21, 2001