Should Custody Visits Be Longer?
Answered by Charlotte Patterson, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and a leading expert on the development of children of lesbian mothers. Feb. 23, 2001
Our son visits with each parent for half the week. Should it be longer?
Q: Dear Charlotte,
My partner and I live in Littleton, a suburb of Denver, and have been together for three years. She has a 6-year-old son by a previous marriage whom we are raising, along with his father. In fact, she and her ex-husband have a 50-50 shared custody arrangement, under which her son never goes more than three days without seeing either parent. It sounds confusing but having been in place since he was about 6 months old, it has, indeed, become routine for him and the rest of us. I am inclined, however, to believe that a week-to-week arrangement might be better for him. But I would like to get an "expert" opinion. Do you have any suggestions regarding his schedule?
A: How wonderful that your family has worked out arrangements for your son's care that suit everyone, and that he seems to be doing well! This is no small achievement, and probably represents lots of hard work and real commitment on the part of all the adults who are involved. Given that you already have an arrangement that works well for your family, everyone will likely be more reluctant to make changes than if real problems were evident.
If, however, you believe that another plan would work much better, I suggest that you talk it over with your partner, so you can explore the pluses and minuses of possible arrangements together. If you and your partner agree that changes in your son's schedule would be desirable, and that initiating a discussion with your partner's ex-husband about this topic would be helpful, then you might also consult with the attorney who was involved in the original custody matter before going ahead. With the family background and the local legal climate in mind, the attorney should be able to advise you about prospects for improving current arrangements, in the event that family discussions end up in court.
Before initiating discussion with his father, you and your partner will want to weigh the possibility of improving your family's existing schedule against the possibility of making things worse. Especially because you are fortunate enough to have a good arrangement already in place, I would be slow to consider changes and proceed cautiously only if both you and your partner are convinced that anticipated benefits greatly outweigh possible risks.
With all best wishes to you and your family,
Charlotte Patterson
Patterson is a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and a leading expert on the development of children of lesbian mothers.
Feb. 23, 2001