Can My Ex Restrict My Partner's Time with Our Children?
Answered by Abby Rubenfeld, an attorney in Nashville, Tenn. specializing in family law. Dec. 20, 2000
Q: Dear Abby,
A year ago, I was removed from my marital home due to my involvement with a woman. Since that time, my ex-husband and I have made visitation arrangements so that I may have the children every other weekend and one or two nights a week. My 14-year-old son will not visit (his dad discourages it) but my 10-year-old twins are loyal to their mom, lesbian or not.
The current issue is my girlfriend. The twins adore her, always tell her they love her, etc. But my children's father is taking me to court to have her banned from any parenting time I have with the kids. My ex says he is not concerned about her hurting them. It's that he thinks homosexuality is morally wrong.
We live in a very small town, so everyone knows, or thinks they know, everything. I would like to move to another town 30 miles away that is bigger and would be closer to my job, but I do not want to be that far away from my kids.
Can you offer any advice? My attorney has never handled a lesbian child custody issue before, so we are both feeling our way around. Thank you for any help you might have for us.
Sincerely,
Shelly
A: Dear Shelly,
You need to maintain as much contact with your children as possible and should try to counteract the ways in which your husband is attempting to alienate you from them. The issue of older children saying they don't want to visit is a difficult one. The best solution is to try to work on compromises and seek professional assistance. For example, arranging to get him counseling with a therapist who understands these issues might help.
As for your partner: If she is not a danger to the children and has not engaged in inappropriate behavior in front of them, then a court should not restrict her from being around the children. It is only appropriate for a court to interfere in parenting choices where a parent's behavior causes harm to the children. But, of course, it is likely that your husband's attorney will argue that her orientation, in itself, is harmful to the children.
My most important advice, therefore, is this: You need to contact an attorney in your state who has experience with lesbian and gay custody issues.
Sincerely,
Abby Rubenfeld
Rubenfeld is an attorney in Nashville, Tenn. specializing in family law
Dec. 20, 2000