Educating Others about Marriage
From a location to the invite list to the wedding cake to the reception music, there are a lot of details to consider when planning your ceremony. And because commitment ceremonies can be new to some people, educating those who are involved in the ceremony -- caterers, jewelers, moms and dads, and brothers and sisters -- is extremely important.
“How you deal with the outside world is a clear reflection of how you feel about who you are,” Ayers and co-author Paul Brown wrote in The Essential Guide to Lesbian and Gay Weddings. “So if you’re going to tell the world, have a positive attitude, not a defensive one. … If you encounter actual head-on prejudice, know in advance that it probably has nothing to do with you directly, but is the result of a million preconceived ideas mixed with ignorance. On the other hand, don’t be heterophobic; don’t assume that just because someone is straight, he or she is going to be turned off by your ceremony.”
So what if you have your hearts set on a venue for your ceremony but hesitate to discuss it with the owners because you’re not sure where they stand on same-sex ceremonies? Ask and you may find out that they have a gay grandson whose ceremony they went to two years ago, or that they simply welcome everyone’s business.
Here are some tips for figuring out who will graciously help you celebrate your union:
- Start on the phone. If you’re worried about strange looks or face-to-face rejection, this is a good way to test the waters.
- Ask friends. They may know business owners who would provide great service without blinking an eye about a same-sex ceremony.
- Look in your GLBT newspaper. A lot of straight and gay business owners advertise in GLBT newspapers. If you live in a metropolitan area, this can be an excellent resource.
Educating Family
Telling your family and friends is often more difficult than telling a business owner that you are planning a commitment ceremony. Some of your family members may not even know that you’re in a same-sex relationship, much less one so serious. Here are some tips to keep in mind:
Commitment ceremonies are an everyday occurrence. People have them in small towns and big cities. So if you’re talking to someone who is already supportive of your relationship, but who is new to same-sex ceremonies, remind them that the only thing different about this ceremony – the lack of legal protections aside – is that instead of a man and a woman, it’s two women or two men who are marking their lifelong commitment to love, honor and cherish each other. Weddings happen all over the world every day; and among same-sex couples, commitment ceremonies, too, are ordinary occurrences marking extraordinary bonds.
Remind them that you’re happy. This may sound silly, but people who are close to you should, first and foremost, want you to be happy. (You might need to remind them of this, too!) Be clear about how exciting this ceremony is to you and how important it will be to the rest of your life.
Give them time. It may take time for friends and family to adjust to the news. Unfortunately, some may never get quite used to the fact that their baby girl or boy will not walk down the aisle with a member of the opposite sex. All you can do is acknowledge that it may be difficult for them, give them space and be sure not to let it interfere with your happiness.