It Is Never Too Early to Talk to Our Children about Our Families
Q: Dear Ruti,
My partner Joe and I are proud parents of 5-year-old twins. Their preschool teacher inquired how we should handle Mother’s Day. I suggested Mother’s Day presents be made for Grandma, as she is a terrific, loving female influence in my children’s life.
Many of their preschool classmates were very surprised by the kids not having a mother. My son chose not to answer the questions and appeared to have handled the situation well, according to his teacher.
We have not had an official sit-down with the kids regarding how our family is unique or how they came into the world. I’m sure this conversation is going to happen quickly.
I have several questions for you. At what age do we do discuss that we are a gay family? Both kids know they are loved — I tell them every day. They also know they have two fathers — that’s obvious
(Daddy and Papa).
The kids are happy, healthy and thriving. Being 5 and not in elementary school yet, they have not needed the tools to know how to answer their friends’ questions. Do we wait for them to ask questions? When do I discuss this? How do we do this? Could you recommend books or resources?
We live in a very liberal town in Southern California. As such, I’m not worried about overt harassment or discrimination, as it would never be tolerated here. We love and cherish our children and want to prepare them in the best way possible. I also want the kids to feel secure, loved and proud of who they are and where they came from, and that above all, that they know how much we love and cherish them.
Any help, suggestions and support are appreciated.
Michael
A: Dear Michael,
Thank you for your query — it evinces the tremendous degree to which you and your partner are thoughtful, deliberate, caring and loving parents.
It is never too early to talk to our children about our families. That being said, it is helpful to do so in ways that take into consideration each child’s developmental stage. When talking to a 5–year-old, one main challenge may be to find a balance between too little information and too much information. A guiding principle is to answer only that which is asked (i.e., “Where did I come from?” is often a question about what city or state one is from, not about reproduction). Children will generally ask only as much as they are prepared to hear.
What, then, should we do in a situation such as you describe, when a child does not ask and, on the surface, doesn’t appear to have any issues? Your intuition and desire to prepare your children for situations they may — and likely will — face is well-placed. Moreover, we shouldn’t assume that a child who doesn’t ask does not have questions. And, most importantly, our silence about the issue may very well indicate to our children that it is something one shouldn’t speak about — which, in turn, translates to our children as something shameful or bad.
For young children, their family is their primary unit of identification, and their sense of themselves is largely informed by who “belongs” to them and who they “belong” to. Your children know they belong to Daddy and Papa, and Daddy and Papa belong to them. If you’ve already talked about how this is your family, you can talk about how you came to be a family. All children like to hear the story of how they came to be part of their family, whether by birth, adoption, etc.: “Daddy and Papa fell in love and they wanted to have a family, so they had me.” The story — their narrative — can be the story each child tells when questioned about her or his family, and it will certainly change and evolve depending on the child and as he or she grows and matures.
You can explain that sometimes a two-dad family is called a “gay family” and a two-mom family is called a “lesbian family” (although we know that that is a misnomer, as the kids have no sexual orientation yet). And that “gay” means when a man loves another man romantically (like Daddy and Papa do), or when a boy grows up and wants to marry another boy. By using the word “gay,” you are not talking about sex or sexuality — just as when a child of straight parents talks about her “Mommy” and “Daddy,” she’s not talking about sex and sexuality. Using the word “gay” provides your children with matter-of-fact nonjudgmental language to talk about and understand their family in a society where their surroundings likely do not mirror their reality, and the cultural notions and representations of what a family looks like do not easily correlate with their family. There is a high likelihood that within a couple of years, they will already hear the word “gay” used pejoratively. While it will no doubt be hurtful to hear a term that describes their dads used as an insult, having the backing and support of their family and teachers, and a strong sense of pride, will better equip them to deal with these incidents and know that it is not them who should be ashamed, but rather those who use the term “gay” pejoratively.
Initiating conversations about our families can be daunting. After all, very few of us grew up in families like ours, our children are inundated with images and messages that contradict rather than affirm their reality. Nothing in our experience as GLBT people has prepared us for this. Fortunately, however, books are always useful tools, and there is an ever-expanding body of literature that is about and/or includes images of GLBT-headed families. For a comprehensive bibliography, visit the Two Lives Publishing website.
I would also suggest having a conversation with your children's teachers regarding how they talk about family at school. As I noted above, support from teachers is absolutely essential. While your children’s teachers are, as you suggest, very supportive, they are not likely to be trained to proactively address GLBT issues. If they are open to this, and if you are comfortable, you can suggest that they take a look at Making Room in the Circle: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Families in Early Childhood Settings. Another wonderful resource for parents and teachers is the curriculum developed by Women’s Educational Media entitled "That's a Family" . The curriculum is centered around a film of the same name that is appropriate for 5-year-olds, although perhaps not in one sitting. The film discusses many different configurations of family, including two-mom and two–dad families. Perhaps you can encourage the school to hold a screening of the film and a discussion about family diversity for parents and teachers. Optimally such a conversation will lead to a family diversity component in the school curriculum.
Good luck, and please do not hesitate to write with additional questions or comments.
Ruti Kadish, Ph.D
Kadish is a consultant to the Human Rights Campaign Family Project.
May 19, 2006