How do I Come Out to Parents of the Children I'm Working With?
Q: Dear Ann,
I am a 42-year-old lesbian educator who lives in New Hampshire. I work for a very supportive community mental health center, serving families with children challenged by mental illness. My employer appreciates and supports my family, which includes my wife and my two teenage daughters.
I will begin providing respite care for children in our home soon and my employer is looking to me for advice on helping parents understand that their child will be spending time in a “non-traditional home.”
I’ve found lots of information for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people coming out to their own parents. What I need is information on how to come out to parents of the children that I serve as an educator. Any suggestions?
Thanks so much!
Kim
A: Dear Kim,
First, let me credit you for the wisdom and sensitivity you bring to this issue.
Many in the GLBT community know how it feels to be closeted at work. At best it is a challenge and, at worst, a nightmare. Working in a supportive environment and being able to bring the experience of your full context to all your relationships is a freedom all should be afforded. Since coming out is never over, you are now faced with another aspect of bringing your whole self into your work life.
As I read your letter, I can’t help but see more than one question. I am wondering about the contract a parent signs when entering your program. Is a parent told that this program does not discriminate against any family applying to be respite providers? If so, this would be a good starting point for your discussion. Also, how do you come out to the children you serve? Will the child learn this information at the same time as the parent? Since you did not raise these issues, I will focus on your direct question.
Your question acknowledges that in our homophobic society, many parents will jump to the conclusion that someone from the GLBT community should not be in the role of caregiver for any child — sad, but true.
Coming out to anyone is a process. There is no “one-size-fits-all” formula. Here are a few suggestions and comments for your consideration. Take time to prepare some basic information for parents which addresses the myths about the GLBT community. As with any prejudice, there are stereotypes. Giving parents a page of frequently asked questions is a start. If there is an opportunity to have parents in a group, conducting an open discussion with an educational video can pave the way to address their questions and concerns. If you are faced with coming out to one parent at a time, I would open up the discussion with some basic information about your life and a few things you both may have in common. I would talk about the people in your family, how the parent’s child will be cared for in your home and what he or she can count on regarding his or her child’s care. Discuss with the parent some practical issues, like what their child will eat, what activities they will be doing and what rules you have as a family. Most parents want to know that their children will be safe and well cared for. If the parent has known you as someone he or she can trust, gaining acceptance as a caregiver will have a better chance than if this is the first point of getting to know you.
I encourage you to structure this process and have a plan if this parent or others have strong reactions.
I wish you well as you move forward.
Regards,
Ann M. McCabe, LMFT
McCabe is a licensed family therapist in private practice.
March 29, 2006