How do We Resolve our Different Approaches to Parenting?
Q: Dear Mary,
I have a 12-year-old daughter who is a great kid. She gets A's and B's in school, is in the “Talented & Gifted” class and never gets in trouble. But my partner (whom I have been with for three years) and I just cannot see eye-to-eye on parenting issues. For example, she gets angry because my daughter doesn't do the dishes immediately after dinner, doesn't clean her room or forgets to flush the toilet in the middle of the night. I can't seem to find a happy medium between my partner and myself, so she thinks that I'm not supporting her. This puts an enormous strain on our relationship and I'm afraid it will cause my daughter to resent my partner as she gets into her teens. I'm looking for advice on where to go for help on these everyday issues.
Sincerely,
Lori
A: Dear Lori,
The issue you describe is indeed an “everyday issue” in that it is not uncommon for parents to clash at times, especially when one parent has joined the family fairly recently. However, this doesn't mean that you don't need to address it, and address it soon. All of your concerns, including whether this conflict will lead to resentment by your daughter and a rift between you and your partner, are valid and appropriate. It is vitally important for both parents to be united in discipline and major parenting decisions for the sake of the children and the parents’ relationship. While you will not agree on every stance each of you takes, you should agree on the big picture and present a united front to your daughter.
If you haven't already done so, sit down with your partner (at a time when your daughter is not within earshot) and have a frank discussion about the issue and your concerns. If your differences cannot be resolved by setting aside regular times to talk and make a parenting plan between the two of you, you should consider couples’ counseling. And if, in the worst case scenario, your partner does not see this as a problem or does not care to address it, you should consider going to therapy without her to help yourself with this issue. This would, of course, be a much less ideal approach to what is a couple and family problem, but it would provide you with some help for what must be a stressful situation.
Mary Barber
Barber is president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists.
Dec.1, 2003