Are We Ready to Become Parents?
Q: Dear Karen,
My partner and I are at odds on having and raising children. Essentially, I want them and my partner isn’t sure if she does. Most of her reasons revolve around her religious and ethical views. Do you have any recommendations on whom we can talk to or what books to read that might help bring our views more closely together?
Thank you so, so much.
Jennifer
A: Dear Jennifer:
One of the differences between lesbian and gay people and the heterosexual majority is the degree of thought and planning we put into parenting. You and your partner are obviously having a difficult time deciding whether to become parents, but I commend you for engaging in this struggle at the correct time – before you embark on a parenting journey together.
I have a few recommendations for you. First, I would recommend that you read Cheri Pies’ book, Considering Parenthood (Spinsters Ink, 1988). Unlike most of the more recent books on gay and lesbian parenting, this classic does not assume that both partners have already decided to become parents. Instead, it provides exercises designed to assist partners in exploring issues related to becoming parents. These include dealing with one’s family of origin, internalized and external homophobia, ideas about children, and options for becoming parents. There is also a chapter on choosing not to parent. [The library has numerous other books about gay and lesbian parenting.]
Another source of exercises is the Prospective Queer Parents Discussion Questions website. Here, you will find a list of questions and issues for prospective parents, such as your reasons for wanting or not wanting to become a parent, and parenting-related issues that are negotiable or non-negotiable for you. I would suggest modifying the questions as appropriate to your situation, answering them separately in writing, and then discussing your answers together as a couple.
In addition to doing written and discussion exercises on your own, I would recommend that you and your partner attend a considering parenthood workshop, if one exists in your area. These workshops are designed to help same-sex couples explore precisely the types of issues that you and your partner are confronting. Typically, workshops include guest speakers and group discussions. Couples may leave these workshops more firmly committed to parenting, or they may decide to postpone or cancel parenting plans altogether.
To locate a workshop in your area, I would suggest contacting your local gay and lesbian community center or the Family Pride Coalition. Or, you could try posting a query on gay parenting websites such as the Our Family Coalition, which also has an excellent selection of links to other parenting-related sites. Finally, local sperm banks that serve lesbian clients often know of parenting workshops in their area. [See lesbian-friendly sperm banks nationwide.]
If after a diligent search you cannot locate any nearby workshops, an alternative is join an online discussion group for gay and lesbian parents. Alternatively, you might want to consult a professional who can provide you with more neutral assistance. If you go that route, I would recommend locating a therapist or mediator who specializes in lesbian parenting issues, and paying for a few (e.g., three) focused sessions on parenting issues.
In my opinion, it would be unwise of the two of you to embark on parenting unless and until you are both committed to this enormous and life-altering enterprise. I hope that a combination of books, exercises, discussion groups and/or professional assistance will help you and your partner clarify your goals, both individually and as a couple. If you remain at an impasse after further exploration, you will need to decide how important having children is to you, and whether you are willing to remain in a relationship with someone who has made it clear she does not want children.
Best of luck to you in this process.
Karen Franklin
Franklin is clinical and training director at the Alternative Family Institute.
Jan. 28, 2003
