Are There Any Resources for Dealing with Teen Hostility?
Q: Dear Dr. Barber,
I am a 34-year-old lesbian in a relationship with a single mother who has a 14-year-old daughter. We've been dating for six months and live 200 miles apart. She came out to her daughter just as we started dating, and her daughter didn't take it very well, calling her mom a "freak."
Her daughter cannot stand me. She will not talk to me and has a fit while I'm there. My girlfriend and I have tried to include her in the things we do, such as going shopping, renting a video or having dinner. This situation is causing my girlfriend much stress. She cares about me a great deal but wants to take care of her child.
Her daughter has also been cutting herself, which is another cause for concern. She has been in therapy, but after the last cutting incident, they will be undergoing family therapy (with her mom present). Many people have told me that it will take time for her daughter to get used to things and it may be an attention-getting thing.
My girlfriend is very frustrated about all this, and I am running out of things to say. I want my relationship to continue and to try to develop a relationship with her daughter. I care about her daughter, and she is a very cool kid overall. Is there any advice or resources you can offer that might help?
Thank you,
Michele
A: Dear Michele,
You're in a difficult situation. You are in a long-distance relationship with a woman who has a teen-age daughter, her daughter is clearly having emotional problems and your girlfriend has just come out to her in the context of your relationship. You didn't speak about other factors, such as divorce and custody issues, which might also be going on and would add to the general stress level.
Some of what is happening with your girlfriend's daughter most likely has nothing to do with her mother coming out or being in a relationship with a woman. Clearly, many 14-year-old girls call their mothers hateful names whether the mother is straight or gay. Her daughter's cutting most likely stems from multiple factors, biological and situational, of which her mother's sexuality and new relationship is only one. Your girlfriend is right to have gotten her daughter into therapy and to participate in that therapy. With her daughter's permission, you may be invited to participate in family sessions at some point, and you should welcome that opportunity if it presents itself.
However, at this point your role should be mainly to support your girlfriend and not get involved in her daughter's issues. Your friends are correct in saying that time will be the major healer, and it can take a while for a teen-ager to accept a parent's new partner. In the meantime, you can offer to include your girlfriend's daughter in activities you all plan, but you shouldn't try to force a relationship with her.
You might try reading and sharing with your girlfriend books about parenting teens, books about gay parenting that would address coming out to older children, such as The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook by April Martin (Harper Trade, 1993), and books about children of divorce, if that situation is applicable.
When she is more receptive, your girlfriend's daughter might be helped by attending Family Week, a gathering of GLBT parents and their children in in Provincetown, Mass., each summer, that is organized by the Family Pride Coalition and Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere. These programs include events for parents and rap groups for older children of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender parents. While there, children of GLBT parents learn that they are not alone, which can be tremendously helpful, especially for adolescents.
Best wishes to you and your girlfriend,
Dr. Mary Barber
Barber is president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists.
May 8, 2002