What Advice Would You Give About Children and Sexual Orientation?
Q: Dear Virginia,
I am a lesbian, out to my friends, family, employers, etc. I also am the legal guardian of my brother's 6- and 12-year-old sons. However, my brother and his wife are not the most enlightened or gay-supportive couple. They live in the South, and my brother has made fairly homophobic comments in the past. So far, I do not think his children are aware of my sexual orientation, though they love and accept my partner as part of the family.
But my question is not related to any of the above. Instead, it is this: My brother and his wife have looked to me for guidance on an issue that has come up with my 12-year-old nephew, whom I will call Justin. Justin has a 9-year-old neighborhood friend, John, who, along with his mother, are aggressive in trying to get Justin to play with John. So far, Justin has played with John on occasion even though John has made him uncomfortable by trying to walk in on him while Justin is using the bathroom because, Justin said, John wanted to see his penis.
My brother's family screened their calls recently because they did not want John or his mother pestering about having Justin over to play. But over a holiday school break, Justin finally went over to play with John, and, during their play date, John told Justin that he is a "homosexual." He also told him not to worry because he would not "mess with him." He said he was reaching "early puberty."
What advice would you give my brother and nephew? Should they talk to John's parents and tell them what he said? Should they continue to let Justin have play dates at John's house?
John seems very young to me to be discovering his sexual orientation (whether it is gay or straight) and declaring himself to be gay. I realize many of us know at an early age, but it seems strange to be able to label it as such so early. His statements make me wonder if someone might be engaging in, at least, inappropriate conversation if not sexual behavior with him. I question whether he can be really be certain of his sexual orientation at such a young age.
Of course, I would not want my nephew to reject John based on his sexual orientation. But I also would not want to put Justin in a situation that might put him at risk for abuse or inappropriate sex play. If John were a little girl talking about her heterosexuality, I would be just as concerned.
Justin is smart but a young 12-year-old, a little socially awkward and has been fairly sheltered by his parents. Until last week, I wasn't even sure he knew what homosexual meant.
Please advise. My family is looking to their own "homosexual" for good advice.
Thanks,
Tracey
A: Hi Tracey,
To get right down to it, I don't think it will be helpful for your brother and his wife to talk to John's family. As you describe it, it doesn't sound like they have thought through these issues deeply, and it would be a challenge for any of us who have thought deeply about these issues. The main task here, I think, would be for Justin's parents to talk to Justin - with you - to help him become clear about his involvement with John. What does he like about playing with him? What doesn't he like? It seems from your story that there surely is ambivalence. What is that ambivalence about? He should only play with him if he wants to. It could be a conversation that helps Justin think out his social options, in general, as he is on the cusp of the confusing social time of the teen years.
The first thing we adults tend to either forget or conveniently put to the side is that childhood sexuality is a reality. When Freud put forward that latency is a quiet period sexually as children prepare for adolescence, he clearly wasn't hanging around 9-year-old boys! That said, parents and caring aunts still bristle (and more) at the idea that our children might be playing sexually. I remember the feeling very well! But for your nephew, it's quite different from John, since Justin is verging on adolescence.
Also, I think John may be age-appropriate in expressing sexuality but not socially appropriate in that he has chosen an older boy with whom to discuss such matters and perhaps go further. I do believe he could easily feel and think he is gay. What sent off a red flag for me, and may have for you as well, was the statement that he is reaching "early puberty." That sounds like an adult phrase, and, of course, I'm wondering if it came from parents or somewhere else. And the fact that Justin is a bit socially immature complicates it, as well. One question is why he is interested in playing with a younger child. I'm concerned that if something transpires, Justin's parents could see him as the aggressor or responsible one because he is older.
Finally, with respect to your participation in such a conversation, I question whether your nephews are unaware of your sexual orientation. The family has embraced your partner and made you legal guardian of their children. This speaks volumes. My experience is that even immature 12-year-olds and 6-year-olds have platinum antennae for relationships that differ from the mainstream. They might not be able to give you a dissertation on gay issues but, at some level, they know. In short, the information in your first paragraph does relate to the question at hand. These are the moments that require deep courage. My advice is to take a deep breath, prepare some ideas, phrases and questions ahead of time and have a conversation with Justin and his parents. It's possible that a family conversation could open up doors for everyone.
I deeply wish you strength and good luck.
Sincerely,
Virginia Casper
Casper is director of the Infant and Parent Development and Early Intervention Program at Bank Street College of Education.
Jan. 24, 2002