What is the Best Approach When Coming Out to Children?
Q: Dear Karen,
Since recently coming out to my brother and sister-in-law, I have been struggling with a way to explain my sexuality to my nephews (who are 6 and 12 years old) and nieces (who are 10 and 8).
They were at my apartment and met my partner. When the oldest boy asked, "Where do you sleep?" everyone, including my partner, ran for cover. I think I would have given him a straight (no pun intended) answer, but everyone else's nervousness gave me pause. My sister-in-law and brother are conservative Catholics but have been accepting of me. How do I deal with the children? I want to be honest, but I don't want to conflict with the way they are being raised.
Thanks,
Walt
A: Dear Walt,
The process of revealing one's sexual orientation sometimes feels like a trapeze act in which we have to delicately balance our own desires and needs with the sensibilities and likely reactions of those around us. Coming out to children is perhaps the most delicate act of all and can provoke significant anxiety.
Finesse is the key. Since your brother has accepted you and allows the children to visit, he may be open to conversing about this topic. Approach him and his wife privately. Tell them that you want to be honest but that you also want to respect their wishes. Perhaps you could phrase the issue as wanting their help about how to handle the children's curiosity and questions. Remind them that the children will find out anyway - it is just a matter of how.
If possible, try to enlist your brother's ideas about nonjudgmental and age-appropriate ways to talk to the kids. Language may be a stumbling block. Perhaps you can think of ways to talk about your sexual orientation without using the words "gay" or "homosexual." For example, you might want to tell the kids that you and your partner love each other, or that you are "partners."
If your brother is adamant that the children be told nothing, respect his wishes. The children will learn to accept you over time, so long as they continue to have contact with you.
Some things to remember about coming out to children: Plan ahead. With your partner or other adults, you might want to role-play possible reactions and how you will handle them. Choose a time when you will be unhurried and a place that will be free from interruptions. Your tone should be casual and non-defensive. Keep it brief. Don't overload them with information. If they are interested, you might want to explain to the older children about anti-gay prejudice - that some people say bad things about men who love each other and women who love each other but that those people are ignorant and do not know better.
You are right to realize that is an important issue, and I commend your thoughtful approach. Remember that even if some of the children (and/or your brother and his wife) react negatively at first, family members usually come around eventually. Or the whole thing may go entirely more smoothly than you expect.
Sincerely,
Karen Franklin
Franklin is clinical and training director at the Alternative Family Institute.
Dec. 14, 2001