How Should a Lesbian Announce Her Pregnancy to an Unaccepting Mom?
Q: Dear Karen,
I am in my mid-30s, and my partner and I are expecting our first child. (I am the biological mother.) While most of my family is delighted with the news, the problem is my mother. She is quite elderly and her health is not good. She has never warmed up to my partner and continues to ask me when I will "find a husband and settle down."
We have discussed artificial insemination in general, and she has told me that she considers it repulsive and all children born this way are illegitimate.
How do I tell her that I'm pregnant? How much contact do I plan for our child to have with her? And how do I deal with her attitude during my pregnancy?
I don't want to cut her off or refuse to speak to her, especially since this puts the escalating burden of her care onto my sister, who has been super through all this.
Sincerely,
Anna
A: Dear Anna,
First, I commend you for your desire to be open with your mother and for your worries about the burden of her care. This is one of those heart-wrenching situations in which homophobia translates a joyful event into something negative.
I would recommend informing your mother of your pregnancy in the most upbeat manner possible, as in, "Mom guess what! I've got some GREAT news to share with you!" Don't expect her immediate acceptance, but keep her posted on your progress if she asks. You may find the need to temporarily pull back from her if she is being so mean-spirited that you find yourself becoming depressed.
The good news is that the birth of a grandchild may unexpectedly soften her heart. I have heard numerous stories of homophobic parents warming up once a real, live grandson or granddaughter appeared on the scene. Of course, this may not happen. At any rate, invite her to visit the new baby; if she initially refuses to visit, send her a photograph.
If you have not done so already, you should build a network of other lesbian and gay parents whom you can call on for emotional support may assist you in dealing with your mother's negative reaction. If such a network is not available in your area, you may find support from other expecting women who are heterosexual. If your mother does not accept her new grandchild, you will need extra support from other family members and friends. [Editor's Note: The Family Pride Coalition maintains a directory of GLBT parents' groups nationwide.]
I would hold off on deciding how much contact your child should have with your mother until after your mother meets her grandchild and has a chance to bond with him or her. So, with everything you've got on your plate right now, this is a hurdle you don't need to cross until some time down the road.
Good luck in your pregnancy and childbirth, as you embark upon the wonderful (and exhausting) adventure of child-rearing!
Sincerely,
Karen Franklin
Franklin is clinical and training director at the Alternative Family Institute.
Oct. 23, 2001