How to Answer Intrusive Questions
Q: Dear Robert-Jay,
Sometimes at a playground or in line at the grocery store, I suddenly find myself under interrogation about being a family with two moms. An ignorant, curious, hostile or insensitive person (choose all that apply) will barrage me with questions about me, my children, how my children were born and/or adopted, whether I think they need a father, etc. etc.
How do I stay calm, cool and eloquent under these circumstances? Can you give me a list of good replies that are kind, enlightening and may get the questioner to stop and think and maybe even adjust their opinions?
Even though I am the editor of a newsletter for LGBT parents, I often feel unprepared, angry, defensive and tongue-tied in these circumstances.
Thanks,
Betty Tisel
Editor, "Rainbow Families" newsletter
Minneapolis, Minn.
connect@rainbowfamilies.org
A: Dear Betty,
Lesbian and gay parents almost universally report similar experiences of intrusive personal questions coming from strangers. As your question suggests, it often is unclear whether the stranger is simply being curious or is expressing judgmental criticism.
The most important goal is to retain our sense of control over personal boundaries in these situations. Not all questions have to be answered simply because they are asked, nor do we have any obligation to answer them in detail or a personally self-disclosing way. Each lesbian or gay parent needs to figure out, in an overall sense, to what extent he or she wants to serve as an "ambassador" or "educator" from our community to the heterosexual world. We are not obligated to teach "the grocery store class on lesbian families" just because we are gay or lesbian parents. We have the same rights to privacy as everyone else.
At the same time, many of us want to serve this ambassadorial role, especially in situations where we feel it would make a positive difference in the way our families are perceived by the larger society. As a newsletter editor in our community who already has taken on a leadership position, perhaps you feel this kind of educational responsibility especially keenly.
In these kinds of public encounters, it also is important to consider the impact on our children of observing the interaction. The way we answer inevitably models for our children how to deal with similar situations they will face with peers and adults. In addition, any personal information we disclose to the stranger may inadvertently compromise our children's sense of privacy, so their feelings in this regard also need to be taken into account.
Thus, aside from the time you may have available to engage in a conversation, there are three key considerations in deciding how to respond to unexpected questions:
• Your personal feelings of safety and desire for privacy in that context and with that stranger.
• The extent to which you want to serve as an educator on behalf of our community and believe this particular stranger has the "right" motivations and is "educable."
• The impact a particular response might have on your children in terms of setting an example for them or compromising their sense of safety and privacy.
If the stranger seems motivated by simple curiosity and you feel positively drawn to respond, then it can be helpful to answer their questions thoughtfully, still being careful not to say more than you and your child might feel comfortable with later. This kind of interaction can leave parents and children feeling very good and whole for having made the world a slightly more enlightened place and for having bridged the divide between the gay and straight worlds.
Much harder, of course, is when a stranger approaches with what seems like an implied judgment or criticism in a very public context. It may be best under these circumstances to say something firmly evasive such as, "Thanks for your interest, but right now, we're just shopping like all the other families." Obviously, this can be said with a smile or not, apologetically or with an edge. If you don't want further questions, say it matter-of-factly and then turn your attention to something else (such as your child, a grocery item on the shelf or a magazine at the check-out stand). Such evasive behavior may not win converts to the cause but it will protect your privacy and sense of control over your family life - and that is most important.
A somewhat more engaged tactic in these situations is to say to the questioner something like, "Oh, I'm so glad you asked and want to learn more about this! Here's the name of a book you can read about it." Then get the stranger to write down the name of the book on a piece of paper, say "good luck" and exit the situation as gracefully as possible.
Books I would recommend for this purpose include:
• The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children, by D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green. (Seal Publications, 1995)
• For Lesbian Parents: Your Guide to Helping Your Family Grow Up Happy, Healthy, and Proud, by Suzanne M. Johnson and Elizabeth O'Connor (Guilford Press, 2001).
This kind of response runs the risk of generating more questions while the stranger writes down the book title. However, without divulging any more personal information, you can reassure the stranger that, yes indeed, the book addresses that question, too. In most cases, this approach will yield reasonably good will and still preserve your privacy (other than acknowledging that you are a lesbian parent).
Finally, I would suggest that, depending on your child's age and the circumstances, it may be important afterwards to discuss with your child these kind of encounters, explaining in simple terms why you chose to respond to this particular question in a certain way. These discussions can be useful for teaching about homophobia, heterosexism, outsiders' legitimate desire for information, our responsibility to educate them and our right to protect our privacy and safety.
Sincerely,
Robert-Jay Green
Green is the director of the Alternative Family Institute.
Oct. 11, 2001