Helping Children Adjust after Mom Comes Out
Q: Dear Ritch,
I have been divorced for nine years and my children - including a son who will turn 11 years old this month - have been the focus of my life. Then last year, I met someone and fell in love. And this week, I came out to my daughter.
The coming-out conversation was very traumatic. My daughter cried and cried, saying her life is so messed up and that she absolutely hates me. I feel like such a failure. I feel as though I should have never gone down this road until the kids were grown. I'm the adult in this situation and should have known better. I don't know what to do from here.
Any advice?
Sally
A: Dear Sally,
Because you love your children, you want to share your life with them. You were right to do this with your daughter before she is grown. Although you did not say if you came out to your son, let me encourage you to do so in language appropriate for his level of development if you have not already done so. Not telling him could easily create conflict between him and his sister since she has privileged information denied to him. And, more important, it could create conflict between you and him. He might feel betrayed that you did not tell him or that you did not sufficiently trust that he could handle the information. My belief is that the earlier children learn about their parents' sexuality the less "traumatic" it will be to them.
Assuming your approach to disclosing to your daughter was reasonable and caring, then the issue is not that you disclosed but that your daughter had such a negative reaction to it. Her response is a bit troubling. My advice is to continue to talk with her and let her tell you why she is so negative about your sexuality (or your new relationship if you told her about it), why her life will be "so messed up," why she "absolutely hates" you and her views about homosexuality. Her reaction implies that a lot may be going on for her. Is it your new relationship that most troubles her or the fact of your sexual orientation?
My guess is that her fears are not for you but for herself - that is, she may fear that her friends will view her negatively because of your attraction for another woman. Other possibilities include the realization that you and your ex-husband will never remarry, concerns about her own sexuality and a sense of loss of your attention.
If she will not talk to you, then try to get her to talk with another trusted adult such as a school counselor, teacher, clergy person or relative -- someone who you know to be respectful, accepting and positive about your sexuality. Hopefully, such a person will allay her fears. If not, family counseling with a gay-positive therapist might be necessary.
She also might want to contact a group for children of gay, lesbian and bisexual parents, and you might want to contact support and discussion groups for parents so that you can gain perspective and ideas about how other parents have handled your situation. [Editor's note: HRC FamilyNet partners COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) and the Family Pride Coalition maintain directories of local resources on their websites.]
Sincerely,
Ritch Savin-Williams
Savin-Williams is a Cornell University professor of clinical and developmental psychology and author of Mom, Dad, I'm Gay.
Aug. 30, 2001