How Can I Come Out to My Children?
Q: I am a 36-year-old gay man. I've been living with my partner for the last two years. While I am out to everyone around me including my siblings, mother and friends, I have not told my two sons. My sons live with me full time, and I have full residential custody of them.
Am I doing them a disservice by keeping my relationship hidden from them? I really thought in time that they would figure it out for themselves but they haven't. My partner and I are careful not to show any public displays of affection nor do we allow the boys to see us in the morning before getting out of bed.
I'm afraid that if I keep this from them, they may become homophobic; and once they find out, they may have a low regard for me. But on the other hand, I'm concerned that by revealing my relationship to them that it might confuse them in how they deal with their friends and even their own sexuality when they go through puberty. I want them to discover who they are for themselves without fear of condemnation.
Thanks in advance.
Jason
A: Dear Jason,
The short answer to your questions is yes, you are doing a disservice to your children, yourself, your partner and your relationships with your sons and your partner by not disclosing to your sons, in language appropriate for their level of understanding, the nature of your sexuality and your relationship with the "other man" in the house. You are correct in your supposition that your sons will eventually "figure it out for themselves," or from someone else. If either of these things happen, then your sons will probably become increasingly uncomfortable with your sexuality (and perhaps with theirs) because they will think an intimate, committed relationship between two men is wrong, shameful and unmentionable. This situation is indeed breeding ground for homophobia.
How much better it would be if your sons were to hear about their dad from their dad rather than from someone else, which is, of course, inevitable if you fail to tell them first. If they do face harassment from peers because of your sexuality, then who better to support them than the one who truly loves them and has been open and honest in his relationships with them? Children are far more resilient than we often give them credit for, especially when they have the kind of relationships at home that you intend to give them. Many, if not most, children are harassed about something -- their looks, their behavior, their race -- and they need tools to handle these unfortunate situations, which they can best garner or model from their parents. Plus, your sons will then acquire another supportive adult who can now become a parent: Your partner! By disclosing to your sons who this other man really is, this will allow their relationship with him to flourish beyond where it is now. By being out yourself, you can better help your sons to cope with coming out to their friends as having (a) gay parent(s) by rehearsing appropriate ways to tell friends and respond to their questions or comments that will inevitably follow.
Finally, if your sons become temporarily "confused" about their sexuality at puberty, then an open, honest dad can be a much more supportive, understanding and helpful father than a closeted one. Have no fear. Your sons will inevitably grow up to be, without any encouragement to be either homosexual or heterosexual, whatever it is that they are. However, do not suppose that you or others are ever neutral about these matters. Society clearly teaches us that heterosexuality is the expected outcome and by hiding your same-sex attractions you, too, are indirectly conveying this message. By modeling honesty and comfort with your sexuality, you will give your sons a much greater chance of accepting and celebrating their own sexual orientation -- whatever that may turn out to be.
Your sensitivity and concern resonate throughout your letter. Once you conquer this hurdle of disclosure, you will find yourself and your family in a much better place, a place where all our families should be. You might also want to check out of your local library books such as Heather Has Two Mommies and Daddy's Roommate. They might help your sons to better understand your life. The Family Pride Coalition also has gay and lesbian parents groups that might lend some support.
Sincerely,
Ritch Savin-Williams
Savin-Williams is a Cornell University professor of clinical and developmental psychology and author of "Mom, Dad, I'm Gay."
July 3, 2001