What Can You Do When a Child Prefers One Parent to Another?
Q: Dear Virginia,
I am the biological stay-at-home mom of an 18-month-old boy. My partner of seven years works from home and travels periodically for work. Recently, our son has shown an increased attachment to me, and cries when my partner tries to engage with him. He pushes past her and holds his arms out to me. He has had chronic ear infections and is pushing out some molars but this has happened before when those issues have not been present. We are confused by this behavior, as he adores my partner. His behavior makes her feel rejected, as he seems fine once he is with me, and it ends up causing us stress as a couple. What can be the cause of this behavior, and what suggestions do you have for what we as a couple can do?
Kate
A: Dear Kate,
From what you describe, your son seems to be working on the idea that he is a separate person from both of you. Toddlers spend a good deal of the second year of life figuring out that they can be separate from their parents while still loving and being loved by them. They also are grappling with at least one other big idea: that there is this larger thing called the family. That is, they are grappling with your relationships with each other (how dare you!) and his place in the family, which at times can feel rather small even though to you it may feel as if everything revolves around him! These are actually incredibly difficult tasks, certainly harder and more confusing than it sounds to adults. And in the course of this project of becoming one's own self, it is common for some 18 month- to 2-year-olds to latch on to one parent and distance the other. It seems to sharpen their evolving distinction of otherness by identifying with and craving one parent while putting the other one off for a bit. It usually doesn't last very long.
It certainly can be confusing for the parents, however, and my description above doesn't allow for all the pain one feels when your child outrightly rejects you for no apparent reason. All I can suggest is to think about all the other things your almost 2-year-old does that are way, way beyond reason but somehow you have figured out what he's up to with it all. This is yet another one of those less-than-reasonable coping strategies that will help him keep evolving into a wonderful human being. (By the way, it may or may not be helpful to know that what you describe can often go the other way around. Some children become temporarily enthralled with the parent who has traditionally been less present as a way to separate from the one they have been around more. I still believe it is similar in terms of what is basically being achieved.)
In terms of what to do, it sounds as if you are more than halfway there in that you - and especially your partner - haven't taken this personally. It is really important to remember what you wrote, that he ADORES your partner, and you both need to keep that truth as a big part of your lives together. This is much easier to do when you have some sense of the developmental reasons for the strange behavior in front of you. It's also good practice because at other points in his development, various versions of this will probably occur again - although it will look a little different in, say, a 6-year-old than in a 16-month-old.
Actually, when these behaviors occur in heterosexual families, I think people are more likely to first go to gender-related explanations ("the boy needs his father now that he's growing up" and so on) rather than to consider some other possible reasons. I also agree with your analysis that the ear infections and tooth issues are not causal but certainly don't help matters, as these can cause major disruptions in sleep and other daily life patterns and rituals. Consistency in daily life gives children this age a sense of control that they so want and need, so these disruptions are not to be minimized. The only other thing that is always important to consider with extreme behavior changes with an almost 2-year-old is whether there is some other change in his life, such as new child care, that is prompting fears or other emotions that might intensify his developmental response to want you and not your partner. It didn't sound like it but it's always a good question to ask.
My guess is that by the time this response is online (sorry for the delay), this issue will have been resolved and you as a family will be on to new if perhaps equally challenging issues. If not, it makes sense to do as many things as possible together and keep talking about the three of you as a family, especially when you are alone with your son. You may also want to find ways to remind your partner what a wonderful parent she is, since the little one isn't letting her know that right now. I really do wish you the best in resolving what can be a difficult period of time for a family.
Sincerely,
Virginia Casper
Casper is director of the Infant and Parent Development and Early Intervention Program at Bank Street College of Education.
April 3, 2001