How Can We Protect Our Son from His Father’s Homophobia?
Q: Dear Virginia,
As so many of us only become fully aware of our sexual orientation later in life, it seems inevitable that many people, like myself, enter into same-sex partnerships after they or their partner have previously been in, and had children in, heterosexual relationships. My question is this: How can my partner and I not only deal with the usual tensions between the two family units that come in divorce situations but protect her son from the homophobic messages his father and paternal grandparents send him?
Holly
A: Dear Holly,
The usual tensions that arise when partners divorce are amplified when children are involved and certainly can become further aggravated when lesbian and gay issues are not accepted by any part of the original family. How and if one can "protect" one's child from homophobic messages changes depending on the age of the child and the quality of the relationship that each family member has with him. It is hard to put the context aside but, for every family, the essential protective factor is a strong and loving relationship with your child. If you don't have a shared history with your child of being a gay or lesbian parent, your own attitude toward being gay becomes especially important.
Explaining in simple language that you and your partner love each other is the place not only to start but also to return to in different and natural ways. Especially with younger children, it is important for the new partner to create rituals and routines, however frequent or infrequent, and refer to them. For the child's (biological?) mother, continuing some past rituals or routines - or if that isn't possible, referring to them - reminds the child that the parent is the same person throughout this "change" that other family members may refer to in negative ways. Handmade photo books (again, especially for younger children) also can reaffirm what may be under attack by their father or grandparents.
The most important practice is, of course, the hardest. Unless custody becomes an issue, I believe it is crucial to model strength and confidence about your love relationship. Children possess incredible abilities to sense insecurities, and ex-spouses know the perfect ways to undermine their former partners. As you explain what being gay means, in different and ongoing ways, I believe it is important to remind your child that people have different beliefs about what is right. For example, you believe it is OK for your child's father to love women, and that is why you wish he would understand your right to live your life.
There are so many inherent conflicts that can arise for children when their parents split up, it is crucial, no matter how hard it feels at times, not to further fan the flames of hatred and resentment.
Sincerely,
Virginia Casper
Casper is Director of the Infant and Parent Development and Early Intervention Program at Bank Street College of Education
Feb. 5, 2001