What Kind of Advice Can You Offer a Teenager Whose Parent has Recenty Come Out?
Q: Dear Felicia,
What kind of advice can you offer for a 15-year-old girl whose mom recently came out? She is having a lot of problems dealing with this issue (her dad is anti-mom) and will have nothing to do with mom.
Sincerely,
Shelly
A: Dear Shelly,
It is a tremendous change to have a parent come out, especially if it also puts a divorce into action. Any time there is such a big change in family structure, especially during the already rocky teen years, it is bound to bring with it anger, sadness and confusion.
Over the years at Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE), I have seen several things make a big difference for young adults and families as they go through this transition. Among them:
• Talk, talk, talk. I know from my own experience that there were times I didn't want my parents to bring up sensitive subjects, but in the end it was definitely better to communicate. There are so many things to talk about: the break up, the change in sexual orientation, if there is a new significant adult in the picture, how to tell friends...I could go on and on. One COLAGEr once said, "I wish my mom had kept coming out to me every six months. I kept having new sets of questions and things to talk about, but I didn't know how to bring it up, and after she told me the first time that she was a lesbian that was supposed to be enough, but it wasn't."
• Make space. She will have lots of reactions and she needs room to be able to have them. This can be harder than it sounds when a parent is newly out themselves and is still tender about their own sexual orientation. Try to ask open-ended questions, let her know her feelings are never wrong, and be clear that everyone is trying to adjust to the changes,not just her.
• Provide other adult support. Often kids with lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender parents understand that their parents are targets for homophobia and discrimination, and we end up trying to protect them from our own process of adjustment because we don't want to add to potential feelings of rejection. But studies show that kids who have supportive significant adults in their lives, in addition to their parents, have higher self-esteem and are more likely to be open about their families. Are there other adults who can provide support and guidance?
• Find peer groups. It is very important for young people to know that they are not alone and that other teens have gone through something similar. Groups like COLAGE and other youth groups can provide a forum for supportive socializing that is free of homophobia. COLAGE also has an online discussion group among more than 100 young adults from across the county that might feel like a safe, easy place to start. (For more information, visit the COLAGE website or call (415) 861-KIDS.)
• Seek the dad's help. One of the biggest sources of conflict and pain for teens with a parent newly coming out is the unsupportive straight spouse. If your ex would be willing to talk with other straight spouses through the Straight Spouse Network, or at least refrain from talking badly about you around your daughter, that would reduce a lot of the tension. No child should ever have to be in the position of choosing between parents or having to defend one parent to the other. It's just not fair.
• Give attention. A little talked about but frequent phenomenon is what we at COLAGE call the "second adolescence syndrome." When parents come out later in their life, they often are understandably very excited about their new life and identity. This is great. But it can also be confusing for a teen-ager to see mom or dad suddenly acting like a teen-ager him- or herself and going out with new cliques of friends, dating, exploring their newfound sexuality and becoming very focused around one subject. This is how teen-agers are supposed to act! It also can compound the feelings of rejection or being left out that a teen is likely to feel during this transition. Parents should make sure to spend special time with their children and let them know that, even during this time of personal growth and excitement, their No. 1 priority is still being a parent.
• Remember, time heals. It's a cliche, but true. With opportunities for open conversation and ample support, your daughter will adjust to your new life. Eventually, she probably will even be proud of you for bravely following your heart.
Sincerely,
Felicia Park-Rogers
Park-Rogers is Director of Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere
Dec. 7, 2000