A Family Reunited
By Jennifer, Knoxville, Tenn.
In February 2000, my little brother and I traveled from Knoxville, Tenn., to Spartanburg, S.C., to let our parents in on the biggest secret we had been keeping for almost five years. That night, we told our parents that we were gay.
My partner Kim and I committed our lives to each other in a commitment ceremony in May of 1999. Of course, we hid our relationship from our parents for several years. After my brother (who came out to me in 1997) told my parents about us, we were told that we were not allowed to bring our partners "home" during our visits. Our parents did not approve of our "lifestyle" and would not accept our partners or us. We were allowed to visit their home but they would not visit our homes.
In May of 2001, Kim and I began our journey to parenthood. We started trying to have a baby. Kim had a miscarriage in 2002 and was treated for endometriosis. Then, in early 2003, we got the wonderful news that we were finally going to be parents!
My mom eventually came around and began visiting us in 2002. She accepted both Kim and I, but we were still not allowed to visit my parents’ home because my father did not approve. I began to campaign for my father's acceptance — not only for my sake, but for my mother’s as well. It was tearing my mom up to be caught in the middle of her daughter and her husband's war.
My dad said some very hateful things each time I tried to reach out to him. During one of the last arguments we had, I asked him, "One day, when you are on your death bed, are you going to look back on your life and be proud of standing behind your ‘principles,’ or are you going to be saddened by the fact that you missed out on a lifetime with your children?" His response — "I guess I will just have to wait and see" — was crushing. That night I sobbed and told Kim that I was finished trying to win his acceptance.
Once Kim and I found out that we were going to be parents I decided I could no longer hide who I was from my extended family. I told my mom that I needed to tell my aunts and uncles that Kim and I were together and expecting a baby boy. My mom told me that Dad would disown both of us if we went through with our plans.
Fortunately, my aunt stood behind me and helped me deliver the news in person on a warm October day in 2003. To my surprise, my entire family was very loving and accepting. They could not wait to welcome the newest members of the family, Kim and our son.
That same weekend, my dad was hospitalized and very ill. God's grace pulled him through his sickness, and that Thanksgiving, he asked my mom to invite Kim and me to Thanksgiving dinner. I remember my mom and me crying tears of joy at his change of heart. I believe that the question I left him with a year ago was answered, and he decided that spending time with his children was more important than his "principles."
I received the best gift I could have ever received for Christmas in 2003. My parents spent Christmas with us in our home, along with my brother and his partner. For the first time we were a real family.
And not only that — our son would now grow up knowing both sets of his grandparents and extended family. Since my son's birth, Jan. 16, 2004, my father has proven over and over how much love he has to share, not only with his grandson but also with his entire family. I have never seen him happier. He is free to allow us to be ourselves and free to love us unconditionally. He is a wonderful man, the kind of father I always knew he could be if he allowed himself to break free of the chains he placed upon himself. Kim, Caden and I are thriving and enjoying parenthood with each other and our extended family.
So if any of you are out there struggling with your family, please know change is truly possible. My father is living proof of that. Don't ever settle for less, embrace who you are, and never give up hope!
Nov. 15, 2004