Enduring Love
By Anita Young
As I look back on my life, I can't remember a time that Betty wasn't part of it. We met when she was 19 and working in a five-and-ten-cent store. I was in eighth grade. I frequently visited the store and became friendly with many of the salesgirls. She was cute, perky and always friendly. I would gravitate to her counter and enjoyed being with her. She somehow found me sweet and befriended me.
We gradually developed a friendship. She left the store, but I followed her to the next job and met her after work sometimes, just to say hello. I was quite smitten but had no idea what the feelings I was having were. It didn't occur to me that every girl didn't feel this way. She left her job during her first pregnancy and I again continued to visit with her. I was in high school then and would have to take two buses to see her. We were quite poor and often didn't have the fare, so I would walk the distance to the beginning of the first line. Every Saturday morning, I would do my chores and then head out to see her. Sometimes I even cut school to be with her. I had no name for the feelings I was experiencing and still had no concept that they were unusual.
I worked my way through two years of college, met someone and married. I hadn't kept up the relationship with Betty, but still always knew how to contact her. After my second son was born in 1965, I once again reached out to her to resume our friendship. At the time, we were both women with husbands and children.
Yet, inside me there were these feelings I didn't understand that kept emerging. But I knew then that all women did not experience them. I began to realize I was attracted to her and was in love with her.
My mother had given me unconditional love all my life, and I truly believed that whatever I was feeling was good. In some ways for me it was simple. I trusted my feelings. So once I understood them, I simply accepted them. Our friendship continued and we spent many hours and days of the week together. I was becoming more and more aware that my love for her was becoming the most important thing in my life. On leaving her New Year's Eve party in 1969, I gave her a peck on the cheek goodnight. For her, it was the beginning of the realization that she had deeper feelings for me and was in love with me. She struggled with her feelings, but we decided to further explore the meaning of it. We were torn between married life, children and our feelings for each other. I decided to go back to college to earn a degree. We became lovers. Probably the most difficult part was not being financially independent enough to be able to live our lives honestly and truthfully. I graduated college in 1973 and in that year, we both left our husbands to begin a new life together. We had five children. Two were in their teens and three were still young. The freedom to live our lives openly (as possible at the time) was wonderful.
Our lives have been filled with all the joys and sorrows of any relationship, even making one big family out of two. At first, we denied by omission the nature of our relationship, but we slowly became more comfortable and opened up our lives. We didn't meet another lesbian until 1973 when we went to the Gay Activists Alliance of New Jersey. It was our first exposure to other gay men and women. The joy of finding other people like us was wonderful. We became politically active and the children were able to meet other people like us.
Growing up with gay parents in a society where it wasn't accepted was somewhat difficult for the children. They faced isolation at times and had to live through lies. We were Aunt Betty and Anita to my children's friends. "My mother's friend" always seemed to negate the importance of our relationship.
We struggled financially, but we found ways to expand our lives and enrich the lives of our children. We learned about camping and bought an old camper. I learned to do the plumbing, electrical work, carpentry and tune-ups on the cars.
In the spring of 1974, my mother moved in. She could no longer live independently, so she joined the family. In the fall of 1974, my grandparents moved in. Everyone was now living in the house I had acquired (with the mortgage) from my divorce. The family now consisted of eight and sometimes nine people. Our oldest daughter was getting married, and our son was in the service. We had the three children at home with our extended family. To support us, we took in borders and I worked two jobs. Betty worked and managed the household. I worked and did the cooking. Everyone had chores to do. We were a family, sharing holidays, special events and the sad times. In 1979, we had a commitment ceremony. My mother and our children gave us away.
Children grow up, go to college, get married and move on. When the house felt empty in 1993, we took in two foster children. One child was from the school where I worked. Luis was in a special education class, and we took him in through a personal arrangement with his family. He lived in the ghetto, had limited experiences and was a non-reader.
Two years later, he was reading at grade level and his world was rich with experiences. Watching him grow and delight in life was one of our greatest joys.
We now have 10 grandchildren, from ages 4 to 22. We continue to share all the wonderful events of children's lives.
Now it's 2002 and Betty is retired. I'm eager to join her in two years. Our love has survived despite the obstacles we have had to face. We had no role models and created our own way of living in a relationship together. Our greatest assets were our commitment and love for each other. We supported each other's endeavors, gave each other space to grow and we grew together. Betty earned her GED, and I earned two master's degrees. Betty is now taking classes at the local community college. We enjoy our dogs, going to shows, opera and being with our family. We still enjoy camping and are looking forward to buying a trailer to travel across the U.S.
We created the life we wanted to live by never giving up on us! We went through couples counseling, attended workshops and did whatever was necessary to get over the humps. I was luckier than most because I never went through any negative feelings about who I am. The unconditional love of my mother and the support of the matriarchs in my family gave me the confidence to believe in myself as a woman.
One day, we will be one nation where our differences will be moot. However, we know we must keep up the fight for our rights. We are a family with no rights. Our children have no rights as a family. They cannot acknowledge or recognize legally the parents who raised them. They cannot legally acknowledge their own relationship to each other. They are brothers and sisters to each other and the aunts and uncles of each other's children, but they have no rights. They are our children, but only one of us can legally acknowledge them. The existing laws not only deny us, they deny our families.
We continue to be politically involved for the change that will give us all equal rights. Ours is a story of love for each other, our family and humanity. While the government continues to deny us equal rights, it in no way diminishes the love we share. The day when our relationship stands on equal ground to all other loving relationships will be a day of celebration for us all!
Oct. 30, 2002