Protection from Custody Challenges
By Stacey Baker
I have been divorced from my son's father for almost 11 years. He and I have moved on with our lives. He has remarried and has four other sons besides ours. I came to terms with my sexual orientation after our divorce. I'm currently in the most loving relationship of my life, but I know that at any moment I could lose my son. All my ex-husband has to do is file for custody in the state where our original divorce is filed, and the proceedings to take my son away would begin.
My son has lived with me since my separation from his father. He only sees his father once or twice a year. I have had to file with my state of residence for child support payments to be taken out of his father's pay since his father was seriously delinquent.
My son has a wonderful and important bond with my partner of over five years. She has been there for school concerts, sports, after school events and many other cornerstone events in my son's life. She has been more of a parent to my son than his own father.
What scares me is that I can't give my partner what she so very much deserves, a legal part of this child's life. Because my son's father will not relinquish his parental rights nor will he take an active roll in his son's life, my son is left in the cold. All I can do is watch and wait for the day that his absent father suddenly gets vindictive and attempts to take my son from me. My ex-husband lives in Virginia, state notorious for taking children out of same-sex families.
Although I live in Illinois and have since before the divorce, if something like this happened, my home state could only request a change of venue from Virginia. But there is no guarantee that Virginia would grant it.
Just last summer my ex-husband pulled my son aside, the day before my son was to return home from a summer visitation, and asked him,
"Is mommy a lesbian?"
My thoughtful child simply answered, "You'll have to ask mom."
He knew that giving that information away could jeopardize where he lived. He confessed to me that he immediately thought that this was his dad's way of attempting to get proof that mommy was not a good parent. My son loves his father but that stunt changed my son's opinion almost instantaneously. My son said to me, "What, does he think that after all this time he can suddenly jump in and take over? He doesn't even know me!"
I cried that night. I knew a special bond between father and son had been broken. But I also knew that the bond between my partner and my son would be tested.
So far, we have avoided any real action by my ex-husband. But I wait with baited breath for the day someone knocks on my door and serves me with new papers.
Sept. 16, 2002