Special Considerations for Lesbian Couples
When a woman thinks about having a child, she naturally expects that she will be the one bearing the child. But if she has fallen in love with another woman, she may have to think twice. If one woman has always longed to become pregnant and the other has not, the choice between them may be obvious. But if both have dreamt of bearing a child, it can be far more complicated. After all, there are no guarantees that both of you could become pregnant, even if that is what you wish for. Ultimately, therefore, you have to decide: Which one of you will try to become pregnant first?
There will be lifelong ramifications to whatever you decide. If, for example, you are the one to become pregnant, you may be shocked by how profoundly your body, your feelings, perhaps even your values and life experiences change. If, on the other hand, you decide not to try to conceive, you may regret your decision, perhaps even envy your partner's euphoria over the miracle of growth happening inside her.
There also will be profoundly important legal ramifications to your choice. Biological mothers are automatically recognized as legal parents. But non-biological mothers (for lack of a better term) must go through a legal procedure to adopt the child and, thereby, share the status of legal parent with the birth mother. Moreover, this process, called second-parent adoption, is not available everywhere. And even where it is available, some women cannot afford the expense of hiring an attorney. The result: In the event of a break-up, the non-biological mother may be denied custody or visitation rights, no matter how much of a parent she truly is to the child.
Factors to Consider
If you are uncertain of whether you or your partner should be the one to become pregnant, here are five factors to consider:
Age
There is no escaping the biological clock. As a woman ages, her ability to become pregnant declines while her risk of an early miscarriage or of bearing a child with Down's syndrome increases. Specifically:
- The risk of infertility rises dramatically as women reach their mid-30s.
- The risk of early miscarriage rises significantly with age, with the average 40-year-old facing a one in two chance; and
- The incidence of having a baby with Down's Syndrome, while only 1 in 10,000 for a 20-year-old mother, is about 3 in 1,000 for a 35-year-old mother, and 1 in 100 for a 40-year-old mother.
Health
Almost every woman has some health problem in her family background that she would rather not pass along to a child. But lesbian couples have an unusual opportunity: They can assess each other's health history and choose the one less likely to transmit genetic problems to their child. If there is some serious condition in your family, or your partner's, this is an opportunity you should think seriously about.
Insurance
Does one of you have an insurance policy that covers donor insemination and another not? Or is one of you a citizen in a country that offers superior maternity leave benefits? Given the high costs involved, both may be important considerations.
Workplace Policies
Does one of you work for an employer with a liberal maternity leave policy and the other work for one that expects new mothers to barely miss a day of work? Again, depending upon your career priorities and financial needs, this may be important.
Desire
One of the most important factors to consider is: How deeply do you long to carry and bear a child? Is it part of your inner vision of motherhood? Or do you simply desire the opportunity to nurture and raise a child? And what about your partner? What if you don't have a partner? Is your motivation strong enough to enable you to handle parenthood on your own? It takes a great deal of honesty, and perhaps generosity of spirit; but evaluating your true desires is very important.