Alston Musheno Family
by Kim Musheno (Silver Spring, Md.)
My partner, Catherine Alston, our beautiful son, Alec Alston Musheno, and I live in our home in Silver Spring, Maryland. Catherine and I have been a family for 10 years and our lucky family grew by one when I gave birth to Alec two and one-half years ago. Catherine and I dated for two years before we had our commitment ceremony/union. We are best friends; we have similar values and dreams for our future; we both knew right away that we wanted to raise kids and grow old together. Our love is one that has grown deeper over time. We are soul mates.
We decided to have a commitment ceremony because it was important to us to have our family and friends acknowledge and support our union. All of our closest friends and family were there. Unfortunately, it could not be a legal union. Our ministers — a husband-and-wife team — gave us a certificate they made to make us feel as official as possible. Of course, we were disappointed that we could not be legally married and, as time has gone on, we recognize more and more how the implications of not being legally married affect us.
After the ceremony, both of our families and friends immediately began to treat our relationship a little differently. They showed us more respect as a couple, I think because they recognized that we had made this important life-long commitment to each other as they had done with their partners. And their support for our relationship made our relationship feel more solid and stable.
Several years into our marriage, Catherine and I had our beautiful son, Alec. He is the light of all of our lives. And we are his parents, in name and under the law. I gave birth to Alec and Catherine legally adopted him. We also spend a lot of time with his biological father and our close friend, Joseph, and his partner, Victor, who are actively involved in Alec's life. Alec adores them and cherishes his time with them. Both Joseph and Victor's parents are also involved with their grandson and us. It's truly a big, happy and supportive family environment for our son. He is showered with more love than most children are lucky to know.
Although we consider ourselves married in theory, we do not enjoy the most fundamental legal rights that civil marriage conveys. Before having Alec, Catherine and I confronted this reality on occasion. We cannot, for example, file a joint tax return. Owning property together required extra work that a married couple would not face. Nor do we have the same rights in making health care decisions for each other — and we can't even be sure that we'd be allowed to visit one another in the hospital. These have been annoying and often financially costly problems, but ones that we accepted as part of the discrimination that all gay and lesbian couples endure.
It wasn't until Alec was born that we truly realized the true disparity we face as a gay couple unable to marry. As we contemplated having a family, we realized that because we are not married, only I as the biological mother of our son, would have legal parental rights. Catherine would have no custody rights should something happen to me, nor would she be able to make the decisions on Alec's behalf, like making medical decisions in an emergency or signing school related paperwork. Fortunately, we live in Maryland where it was possible for Catherine to adopt Alec. And fortunately we were able to raise the several thousand dollars required to proceed with the adoption process. We face this significant cost again when we have another child--a cost we would not pay were we legally married. Catherine and I have had to pay a lot of money to our lawyer to just get close to having the same legal protections and privileges that married couples automatically get by marriage. This is not fair. My family deserves the same legal protections and benefits as other married couples.
It is sad and exceptionally disappointing for me and my family that we cannot have the same rights, responsibilities, benefits, and protections as other married couples. It is also demeaning when I hear our elected leaders discuss how important marriage is in the context of creating economically and emotionally stable families at the same time that those same leaders commit to fighting to deny this basic right to same-sex couples.
I am especially worried about when my son begins school. Will the teachers respect our family? Will the other children ridicule Alec because of our family structure? I also worry about something ever happening to me. Will Catherine have any trouble staying in our house or receiving my life insurance? Will the courts respect Catherine's legal status as his mother?
These are questions that we should not have to ask. Catherine, Alec and I are a family. We live on a quite street in a family neighborhood. We drive a minivan and have a dog and a cat. We vote and we pay taxes. We barbecue, read the paper, and try to keep up with the bills and the dishes. We were devastated by 9/11 and overjoyed when Jessica Lynch was returned home to her family. We worry about our son and love each other very much. Eight years ago we committed, in front of God and our families, to love and cherish each other. We don't understand why we can't be married but we fully understand why we want to be. We hope one day we can.