What Can I Tell My 11-Year Old Son Who Is Afraid He is Gay?
Answered by Ritch Savin-Williams, a Cornell University professor of clinical and developmental psychology and author of Mom, Dad, I'm Gay. May 28, 2002
Q: Dear Ritch,
I am having a problem with my 11-year-old son. He had a crush on this little girl in school until Christmas. Then he stopped liking her. We had watched a TV show a few weeks ago where this teenage girl "became gay." Now he fears that he is turning gay. He says that all his friends like other girls except him. He is also worried because he wants to hang out with his male friends and not with girls. He thinks these are signs that he is turning gay. He is obsessed with it. He is also beginning to go through puberty and this is adding to his anxiety. He worries about never liking another girl and about being "normal."
I have also noticed that when he watches a television program with a gay character, he changes the channel. I have spoken to him in a very calm and rational matter but I cannot convince him that his fears and the changes he is going through are all normal for his age. What else can I tell him?
Jane
A: Dear Jane,
I have two reactions to your son's concerns about "turning gay." First, several of his experiences resonate as typical for pre-adolescents, including:
• Developing short-term crushes that ebb and flow and are often dependent on indeterminate situations is common.
• Hanging out with male friends is what most guys do at your son's age - with few implications about their sexuality. Very few girls are welcomed into this arena.
• Experiencing occasional thoughts that one might be gay is probably not unusual. Sexuality is often a difficult topic for this age group, including what constitutes "being gay." For example, increased media portrayals of and cultural sensitivities to same-sex attractions may lead some youths to confuse feelings of same-sex love, admiration and emotional closeness with sexual longing. Indeed, in many cultures it is typical for youths your son's age to form their closest emotional peer relationships with members of their own sex.
If you have not already done so, explain to your son as best as you can what it means to be gay and that you love him regardless of his sexuality. Points that you might want to note include:
(1) Being gay is more about having sexual attractions to and fantasies about guys than about not having sexual attractions to girls,
(2) One does not suddenly "become" or "not become" gay (sexuality is a natural part of who you are and is present from a very early age) and
(3) Many young people experience periods when they are not attracted to anyone.
Finally, I note your use of the word "normal" in your letter. My tendency is to discourage use of this word because it often connotes a judgment about what is best or not so best to do. I would rather speak in statistical terms, such as "typical," "not unusual" and "sometimes" when it comes to sexual behavior or feelings.
Second, I am concerned with the apparently high level of fear and "obsession" that your son possesses and the extent to which they are intruding on his quality of life. Some degree of anxiety is typical of most young people. But if these anxieties persist and extend into multiple domains of one's life, then they are indicative of potential mental health problems. Does your son have a history of anxieties or obsessions about other things, such as animate or inanimate objects, physical illness, daily routines and the future? Do these obsessions require an unreasonable amount of reassurance and yet remain impervious to quelling? Do they interfere with his daily functioning? If so, then I would consult with a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist to determine whether your son is suffering from an obsessive-compulsive or anxiety disorder, which are common and treatable psychiatric complaints.
If this discussion fails to relieve your son's fears that he is gay, take him to a mental health professional for evaluation and possible treatment - not for his sexual orientation, but for a possible psychiatric disorder.