How Do I Help My Child Deal with Her Anger?
Answer by Dr. Mary Barber, president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists. Feb. 21, 2002
Q: Dear Mary,
I am the divorced mother of a 3-year-old girl. Visitation with her father is three weekends per month and some time during the summer. But, to put it mildly, he does not like the fact that I am in a lesbian relationship.
He has been sending me unrepeatable e-mails and making the same comments to the day care staff when he picks our daughter up and drops her off. The day-care staff doesn't want to deal with him anymore. (Frankly, I don't either.) My daughter is a totally different kid on those Mondays after spending time with him. She is mean to the other kids and fresh with the teachers. When she comes home, she is still mean to my partner and me. She has violent temper tantrums. She will just thrash around and kick for hours over the smallest thing. She even exhibits signs of road rage. She yells and puts her finger up, though I doubt she even knows what the car is doing wrong, let alone the word she is saying.
I went into the divorce with the attitude that it's important for her to have a relationship with her father. Now I am not so sure. He seems to be getting angrier instead of just accepting the situation. What would you suggest?
K.C.
A: Dear K.C.,
Going through a divorce is difficult in and of itself. But going though a divorce and coming out, in addition to dealing with animosity from your ex-spouse and behavioral changes in your child, is extremely stressful and difficult. Getting therapy for both you and your daughter could be enormously helpful in diagnosing and helping your daughter's behavior, as well as in easing your own adjustment to your situation.
You can look for a referral on the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists website. I also would suggest that probably the most helpful thing would be to find a therapist who can see you and your daughter together and make recommendations from there.
Whether you decide you still want your daughter to have a relationship with her father may be an issue to discuss in therapy, and your view may change over time based on his behavior and her reaction to visits with him. However, nothing gives your ex-husband the right to harass you with offensive or abusive e-mails. The offensive comments and e-mails are something you should bring to the attention of your attorney, to help decide on a course of action to make them stop, or invoke criminal or visitation consequences if they do not cease.