What Can Parents Do if They Think Their Child is Gay?
Answered by Candace Gingrich, National Coming Out Project manager for the Human Rights Campaign. June 7, 2001
When a parent wonders if a child is gay
Q: Our 14-year-old son, who has periodically expressed dismay at homophobic people and actions, may or may not be gay. My wife and I have told him that either way would be OK with us. We will love him no matter what. In fact, we always have been very open with our children about the normalcy of both heterosexuality and homosexuality, and they have met many of our gay friends.
If he is gay, is there anything else we should do to make him feel comfortable about coming out to us? Should we ask him? Would that be too much? What is the expert opinion on this matter?
Sincerely,
Kevin
A: Dear Kevin,
Thanks for your question. It seems pretty clear that you and your wife already have been doing a fine job of loving your son unconditionally and bringing him up in a nonjudgmental way. If your son is gay, please keep in mind that he may be dealing with the coming out process but going at his own pace. Your support is an important part of this, but it is a journey that he must control.
In talking to many parents whose children eventually have come out to them, I've found that many have wondered whether to ask or not to ask. In the end, many have decided not to ask directly but instead to continue to be vocally and visibly supportive of gay and lesbian people and issues as their way of showing that it would be OK if their child did come out.
You also could use some of the methods that gay children use to come out to their parents as a way of testing the water without asking the question. For example, you could watch the television show, "Will & Grace," or a gay-themed movie together and discuss it. Or you could attend a gay pride festival or National Coming Out Day event as a family.
If your son is gay but still struggling to come out to himself, these activities would give him the chance to discuss it with the people he trusts: his family members. If he isn't gay, then he might tire of all this and tell you as much. But by then, he would have become one of the most knowledgeable and enlightened young men in the world!
Glad to have you and your family on our side!
Sincerely,
Candace Gingrich
Gingrich is the National Coming Out Project manager for the Human Rights Campaign.
June 7, 2001