Who Gets to Be Called Mommy?
Q: Dear Aimee,
My partner and I are trying to conceive via donor insemination. Our plan is that I'll give birth and my partner will be the stay-at-home parent. When we tell friends and family of our plan, they are supportive but we have lost count of the number of times we have been asked, "What will the child call you?" or "Who gets to be called Mommy?"
Any suggestions that you could provide would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Susan
A: Dear Susan,
It's funny how people focus on these incidental yet apparently so important things. This question does come up over and over, and each couple finds their own way of answering it. Often, gay and lesbian parents-to-be search their cultural roots for names that signify beloved mom or dad relationships. Others use the approach of the child referring to "Mama G" and "Mama D" (or whatever the initial of the parents' first names). Others have created names that connote the relationship and the feelings that it stirs.
In my family, we were already co-parenting a son from my previous marriage when my partner became pregnant with our second child. We decided that, for the sake of consistency, I would continue to be known as "Mommy," which is the name my son uses for me, and she would be called "Mama." Yet in spite of our efforts to introduce and reinforce this, our daughter, at about 10 months, began to call me "Mama-mee." We don't know how this came about but can hypothesize that it was her interpretation of Mommy and Aimee. It was her term of endearment and it stuck. As years have gone by (she's now 5), she has reverted to "Mommy" with an occasional, and very welcome, "Mama-mee."
I share this because I think it is important to keep in the forefront that what matters most is the relationship and the love and connection that the family attaches to the label representing the relationship. Whether the label is Mommy, Mama, a first name, a familial name or whatever you or your child choose is not significant. It becomes significant as it grows into being part of your family culture. One of the beauties of creating our families as intentionally as we do is that there are no cookie-cutter approaches; we get to define them, in all of their richness, as we go along.
And lastly, you and your partner have the right to choose not to define your thoughts and intentions as you move through this process together. It is also entirely appropriate for you to preserve your privacy and respond with a simple, "We will cross that bridge when we come to it," or "We are not choosing to discuss this part of our decision-making as of yet" or even "That's a good question. It will be interesting for all of us when these answers unfold." You do not have to feel compelled to welcome everyone you know or meet into your family decisions, and it is best if you both agree on responses that you both feel comfortable with ahead of time so that you can glide through these interactions gracefully.
Good luck and have a lovely time creating your family.
Sincerely,
Aimee Gelnaw
Gelnaw is the executive director of the Family Pride Coalition.
Nov. 19, 2001