Fighting for Olivia
By Lisa LaSpina-Williams
I am a lesbian mom who has been fighting to remain a mother to my little girl for almost four years. My ex-partner and I had Olivia together in 1994. She gave birth to our daughter, and I left my full-time job to stay home with her. Olivia called both of us Mommy. We hyphenated our last names and were generally very upfront about being lesbians because we felt it was important for our family. Our extended families, friends and the community in which we lived supported us. Olivia's pediatrician was especially sensitive to the ways in which our family was different - and just like any other family in his practice.
My daughter was 4 1/2 years old when my partner and I split up in 1998. At first, my ex-partner honored our co-parenting agreement, but after five months, she cut off all visitations. She could do this because, at the time, the law in Connecticut would not allow me to be my daughter's legal parent. [Editor's note: Second-parent adoption is now available throughout Connecticut.] My little girl suffered not only from the dissolution of her family but lost all contact with her primary caregiver for more than a year.
We went to court and -- after fighting for 1 1/2 years -- I was granted visitation. I was ecstatic. A year later, my ex-partner again cut off all visits. It is hard to understand why someone would have so little regard for a small child's heart. Unfortunately, given the acrimony that's common with divorce, I'm afraid this would be a frequent outcome for heterosexual families if legal parent status were routinely denied to one parent.
The whole thing was and still is a nightmare. I can't begin to describe the grief of losing a child. My little girl has been mistreated, undergone every evaluation possible and dealt with so much loss in her young life. She has been through four lawyers/guardians, five therapist evaluations, a family court study and an investigation. Olivia's new lawyer has ordered yet another psychological evaluation. In the most humiliating manner possible, I have had to prove over and over again that I am her mother. No one has ever suggested I am anything but a loving and responsible parent. But I have to tell you, it is exhausting to prove this again and again. It is unbelievable to consider that your child might be better off without you. But I am coming to believe that I can no longer submit my little girl to this prolonged conflict.
I applaud the policy statement by the American Academy of Pediatrics that says children of same-sex couples deserve two legally recognized parents. I am glad to see that they are putting children before ideology. Whatever their personal position on lesbian and gay families, the simple fact is that we exist and we will continue to exist. Throughout time, and among all people, having children is one of the strongest drives and one of the most deeply fulfilling activities we can do as humans. This will not change. Simple compassion dictates our children should have the same rights and protections as every other child.
Oct. 30, 2002