How to Prepare Your Child
The key to helping your child find a healthy way to deal with prejudice is to start early, think about the messages and values you'd like to communicate, and provide your child with the tools that will help him or her face whatever situation may arise.
What do we mean by "early?"
"You want to think about raising your kids in a way that leads them to be able to stand up for themselves by the end of elementary school," says Virginia Casper, a developmental psychologist, author of Gay Parents/Straight Schools and HRC FamilyNet expert. "This shouldn't be by putting up their dukes" when they face homophobia, she explains, "but responding firmly and then letting it roll off their backs."
The good news: "So far, we've found that kids who've been brought up in "out" families pretty much turn out that way, says Casper.
Here are tips for how to do it:
Plan Some Conversations
"It helps to think it through, have a game plan, and then look for teachable moments," says Casper. "Think about messages you'd like to get across when things come up."
This will allow you to turn a potentially negative situation into a constructive one. It also will allow you to set the whole issue of homophobia, which may be too frightening or abstract for young children, in a realistic context.
"Say, for example, you're at the store with your young child, and someone responds badly to your family," says Casper. Instead of being caught off guard, "You could use it to explain that, 'there are some people who don't understand that we're a family.'"
Respond Openly to Questions
If you talk openly and directly with your child, even in response to questions that might hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable, it will teach him or her that there's nothing bad or wrong about the topic. It also may help prepare your child to answer questions from his or her own peers at school, without embarrassment or anxiety.
"When kids asked me, 'Where's your dad?'" recalls Emily Martin-Alexander, the 18-year-old daughter of two lesbian moms in New York City, "I was prepared to say, 'I'm a D.I. [donor insemination] kid. I don't have a dad.'" The reason: Her moms prepared her before she was even in kindergarten.
I had it on a 4-year-old level, adds the daughter of psychologist April Martin. "But that's all you need when you're younger."
Know How Much Your Child Can Hear
April Martin, author of The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook, points out, "We don't want to let our anxiety about these issues cause us to blurt out more than the child is ready to grasp." Be sensitive to your child's capacity for and interest in the subject. Don't worry about getting everything in the first time. As your child grows up, you will revisit these issues again and again, developing and expanding the discussion as they learn and mature.
With pre-school age children, the idea that "some people don't understand that we're a family" is enough, says Casper.
But when your children reach elementary school, "you can start to introduce political concepts," says Casper. "For example, you might say, 'People have different ideas about what's OK and what's not; and some people think that it's not OK for women to love other women and have families together.'"
Model Constructive Responses
For good or ill, the way you respond to other people's homophobia will teach your child more about how to do so than anything else. For example, if you are walking down the street with your partner and child, and someone makes a derogatory comment, if you lash back in anger or recoil in fear, that is what you will teach your child. But if you remain dignified and composed in response, it will show your child how to act when such incidents take place at school.
Being able to have a rational conversation with a friend or family member with whom you disagree also will demonstrate that it's possible for two people to two have different beliefs and still love and respect each other. This is likely to be especially important as your child gets older and learns about the political battles over the rights of lesbian- and gay-headed families. Knowing how to disagree from a place of mutual respect will help them approach these potentially contentious conversations with less fear.
Be Proud
Martin-Alexander reports that her mothers' pride is the key to her own confidence with her teachers and peers. "The biggest thing is that my parents are proud and open about who they are," she says, "And that rubbed off on me."
Special Circumstances: What to Do if You Are Not Out
If you feel you cannot be open about being gay or lesbian due to work or other concerns, it is important to recognize that this raises special issues for your children that you should address with them, especially as they reach middle school.
"As kids get older, it's important to acknowledge and talk about the burden of being closeted as a family," says Virginia Casper. Sometimes it may be hard to hear what they have to say. They may resent that your family is not like everyone else's, and they may vent their anger at you. But allowing them to talk about their feelings, says Casper, can help them work through them and create a sense of safety within the family.
One Important Message
Reinforce the fact that the problem lies in other people's prejudices, not in the structure of your family. Explain that your family is not open in the community because some members of the school fail to understand lesbian- and gay-headed families, not because there is anything wrong with who you are or, even more importantly, who your child is. Yours is a loving and healthy family, and you will always be there for your children.
Remember, too, that even if you feel you cannot be open in the community, allowing your children to hear you talk openly at home, and see you act openly with trusted family members and friends, can help cut through any feelings of isolation they may have and instill them with pride.
