What Can I Do to Help My Transgender Son/Daughter?
Q: Dear Mary,
My 19-year-old son has told me he wants to be a woman. I do not have prejudices about this, though I do fear for him. I am concerned that he will make a hasty decision to change his sex.
My son is so very special and talented, and I love him so much. He has told me he feels frightened and alone. My feeling is that as long as his choices do not cause him any harm, or harm anyone else, he has the right to find fulfillment in his life however he can. I also told him that I am trying my best to understand what he is feeling, but it is a challenge for me -- a very boring, middle-aged, heterosexual woman. Though my love for him is boundless, he needs to explore this issue with someone who can help him through a process of self-discovery without bias.
Could you offer some references to professionals or organizations in the Austin, Texas, area? Also, could you help me be a better parent by offering me some advice about what to say and how to act in a way that will help my child be happier?
Sally
A: Dear Sally,
You are asking all the right questions and staying open to what your son is saying, which is exactly where you should start. Your son may have what is currently called a gender identity disorder. The non-diagnostic term for what your son may be experiencing is being transgender, not fitting into his biological sex. Transsexual refers more narrowly to people who undergo the surgery and hormonal treatments needed to physically change their sex. Transgender people may choose to complete this physical process, to live as the other sex with only some or none of the medical treatments, or to live between the two sexes, identifying as neither male nor female. You should also know that gender identity is separate from sexual orientation. A transgender person may identify as straight, gay, bisexual or oriented mostly towards other transgender people.
If your son decides to start the process to physically change from male to female, he would need to find a practitioner familiar with the standards. It is not a quick process, and it is designed that way so that people can be sure they indeed want that result. The standards have been set by the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association. This is a good place to start to find resources on transgender issues.
In terms of finding someone for your son to, the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists has a referral list from which you can start. There currently are no listings for Austin, so I would suggest you call psychiatrists elsewhere in Texas and ask for a referral in your area. Another excellent support can be Parents, Friends and Family of Gays and Lesbians (PFLAG), which has chapters nationwide. There is also a growing transgender community that can be extremely helpful.
Your son is lucky to have a supportive mother who is concerned about him. I think he would appreciate seeing your letter and knowing the depth of your love for him.
Dr. Mary Barber
Barber is president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists.
July 1, 2003