Child Comes Out as Transgender
Q: Dear Donna,
Our oldest son told us he was gay when he was 16. We have come to accept that and have moved on. Now, his brother who is two years younger has told us he is transgender. He has been cross-dressing since he was 16. He wants to have sex reassignment surgery. He is 21. Could this be confusion on his part because of his brother? This is all so confusing and has hurt my husband and me very much. These are our only two children and we raised them in what we thought was a loving and supportive family environment. For the most part, I was a stay-at-home mother. I only worked part time. Did we do something wrong in parenting or is this genetic?
Jan
A: Dear Jan,
First, I just want to let you know that what you have done in parenting your sons must have been something profoundly right -- raising them in a loving way that has enabled them to share with you something vital about themselves that many children don't share with their parents until much later, if ever. Your connection with your sons has surely provided them with a strong safety net as they negotiate what must be very challenging issues for each of them. Many gay or transgender youth who lack supportive or engaged parents have even more serious hurdles, and their struggles to understand their emerging identities can be confounded by isolation, depression, substance use or even suicide. So stay connected to them.
There is much that is still unknown about the roots of homosexuality and transgenderism, which are different identities. Most experts and studies currently think that these identities are innate within each person and that the environment in which one grows up has a big impact on self-acceptance. In other words, there is probably a strong component of nature or genetics that influences one's sexual identity while the role of family impacts one's ability to accept what one is, rather than "causing" an identity. While several studies have shown homosexuality to have an increased rate within some families, I do not know of any studies linking transgendersim and homosexuality.
You mention your concern that your younger son might be confused about his gender identity because of his brother. While it is true that in the early stages of recognizing their homosexuality, some children might get confused about their maleness or femaleness. Your "transgender" son seems to have had these feelings for a long time and it is probably not due to confusion. The feeling that one's body does not match one's sense of self is a deeply personal one that does not come lightly and certainly comes at great cost. But people who are experiencing "gender dysphoria," as it's called by professionals, shouldn't think that sex reassignment surgery is the only or first option. People who don't feel comfortable fitting into strict gender categories can live and express their gender variance by living as transgender rather than immediately having surgery. Your son might want to learn more about this before he fixes on a specific course of action. Your son is old enough that reputable medical centers would begin to work with him to help address this core issue. Changing one's gender is certainly a major action but medical science has increasingly recognized that sex reassignment is a valid and life-saving process for someone who sincerely believes that he or she is living as the wrong person.
It can be deeply upsetting when our children seek a path different from our expectations. Please seek guidance and support from each other and from people who are knowledgeable about the transgender and gay communities. One source of excellent support and information is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Many PFLAG chapters have started support groups for parents and family of gay and transgender teens and offer support to gay and transgender youth, as well.
Your also sons can get support from:
• Advocates for Youth: Offers contact information on youth groups nationwide, online
communities, listservs and more.
• National Youth Advocacy Coalition: Offers a list of hotlines and support groups nationwide, which can help offer accurate information and understanding as young people work to clarify their own feelings.
• Youth Guardian Services: Provides online listservs for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth that allow young people to quickly communicate with others.
Finally, Caitlin Ryan and I have co-authored a book which has useful information on health and mental health concerns for parents and caregivers called, "Lesbian & Gay Youth: Care and Counseling,"(Columbia University Press, 1998).
Your sons still need you, so continue your search so you can be there for them.
Sincerely,
Donna Futterman, M.D.
Futterman is an associate professor of pediatrics at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine and director of the adolescent AIDS program at Montefiore Medical Center.
April 19, 2001