Coming Out to Oneself as Transgender
“To be out is to claim the basic human feelings of dignity, self worth and the freedom to simply be. The ability to communicate about one’s own life in an honest and real manner, devoid of lies or subterfuge, without fear of discovery or embarrassment, just like any other person, is the deepest reason to come out.”
— Jennifer Diane Reitz, male-to-female transsexual web and computer game designer
Those who express a transgender identity while young face some unique challenges. As minors, young transgender people are likely to be at the will of their parents or primary caregivers, who do not always understand their experiences. They may sometimes seek out professionals who turn out to be misinformed and actively seek to “repair” or “reform” their children — forcing them to adhere to gender norms and often causing much harm in the process.
Because of this possibility, many young transgender people choose not to risk coming out and instead conceal their gender issues as long as they can. For some, this revelation happens when the need to express their gender according to their internal sense of self grows too strong to suppress. For others, it occurs at puberty, when the natural onset of hormones results in even more noticeable reminders that the transgender person’s body does not match his or her gender identity.
“I had been able to believe that I was a girl all through growing up, but puberty was in many ways a very rude awakening,” says Joely Adamson, a male-to-female transsexual insurance agent from New York City. “I couldn’t pretend I didn’t have certain body parts when they were acting independently of my wishes!”
Regardless of the age at which a person comes out, it is essential to find accurate information and develop a support system.
“I spent the first 40 years of my life as a man in a man’s world,” says Donna Rose, male-to-female transsexual and author of Wrapped in Blue: A Journey of Discovery. “One reason it took so long to figure out who I was and accept it was the lack of information available. It was pre-Internet; the media sensationalized transgender issues and out transgender people, and I didn’t know anyone personally to talk to about this issue. It felt like I was on a desert island.”
Today, there are many more sources of information for transgender people, including online chat groups, books, advocacy organizations and the Internet.
“The Internet has made a huge difference for trans people,” says Stephen Braveman, a professional sex educator and counselor with his own practice in Monterey, Calif. “I’ve had clients who were ‘out’ to others on the Internet for a number of years before they are able to come out to themselves or others as transgender. The information and resources offered [online] are vital, and for many gender-variant people, being able to communicate with someone who has been down the road before is literally a lifeline.”
Many transgender people find it helpful to seek professional counseling and therapy. Health care professionals are able to assist transgender people in determining how best to proceed in remedying the internal sense of self with the physical body.
“If I could send one message to those who are coming to terms with their gender identity, it would be to tell them that it is not a mental disorder,” says Braveman. “But it is critically important to have a knowledgeable health care professional to speak with during this time.”
To find a gender therapist, Braveman suggests a number of options, including running an Internet search with the key words transgender and therapist; getting referrals from other transgender people and contacting gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender health organizations such as the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, which offers a health care provider referral search on its website.
While the likelihood of finding a therapist who identifies as transgender is small, it’s often easier to locate a peer-led support group. These groups offer the chance to meet positive role models. Interacting with others can help transgender people get a variety of perspectives on next steps, learn about options in the process of gender transition and get first-hand information on health care providers.
“I am a great believer in the power of groups to be helpful to individuals seeking information, support and therapy around gender concerns,” says Dr. Barbara Anderson, coordinator of gender identity treatment services at San Francisco's Center for Special Problems. “Through meeting with others who are grappling with similar issues, one feels less alone with one’s problems. The sense of being freakish disappears and hope for a positive outcome grows as one sees others who have reached higher levels of confidence and comfort than their own.”
Another valuable resource is Transgender Care: Recommended Guidelines, Practical Information and Personal Accounts by Gianna Israel, et al. (Temple University Press, 1997).