How Do I Deal with the Stress of an Anti-Gay Work Climate?
Dr. Mary Barber, president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists. July 28, 2004
Q: Dear Mary,
It may just be a result of hearing politicians say mean things about me on the evening news every night, but I have been feeling a lot more self-conscious lately. I have been out at work and with my family for years. But recently I’ve felt like relationships with a few of my friends and co-workers have become strained. What do you suggest I do?
Thanks in advance.
Maryann
A: Dear Maryann,
You’re going through a time which serves to remind you and all of us that coming out is not a one-time thing. Coming out is a lifelong process of self-discovery, of disclosing one's orientation to others and sometimes choosing not to disclose. It’s not unusual to think you are done with the whole coming out process, that you're completely comfortable with your gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender identity, that you're out to everyone you know — and to have that impression changed by life circumstances. Becoming a parent, having a partner become seriously ill or moving to a new city can all shake up a person's sense of comfort around being gay and open about it.
You are experiencing a disruption in your sense of comfort with your identity and your friends due to the current political climate. Certainly, you aren't the only one distressed by some of the hateful rhetoric being heard in the media recently. However, not everyone who disagrees with the talking heads is wondering whether to seek counseling.
You need to ask yourself some questions. Who are these friends and co-workers you’re feeling strained around? Is the sense of strain coming from them, or are you just assuming they feel a certain way? Can you talk to your gay friends about recent events and how they’ve been affecting you, and if not, why not? Is your ability to function with your friends, co-workers or significant other being affected?
What you're hearing in the news may be tapping into some vulnerabilities in your sense of identity that you need to address with a professional. You are the only one who can decide whether this is a temporary malaise about distressing news, or a sign that a personal nerve has been hit for you and you need to talk it out.