Coming Out as a Happily Married Bisexual
By Jesse Liberty
In 1969, when I was 14, I recognized that I was attracted to both boys and girls, but this filled me with fear and apprehension. By the time I was a junior in high school, I had come out to a few friends and joined the Gay Activist Alliance. I combed the stores looking for books about people like me, but the consensus at that time was that bisexuals were really homosexuals in denial. I was thrown out of the Oscar Wilde Bookstore in New York when I asked for books on bisexuality. “Hey,” the clerk sneered, “this is a gay bookstore.”
Later, when I had a series of girlfriends, the question arose: How can you be queer if you go out with girls? Was I a closet heterosexual? No, there was no denying who I was. I was attracted to both sexes. But when I was involved with men, I was assumed to be gay, and when I was with women, I was assumed to be straight. It seemed to cause a lot of confusion for people, and I struggled against the pressure to “choose.”
In my mid-20s, I married a woman, and now, 21 years later, we are still monogamous and happy. The people we meet assume I am straight. This has always bothered me, but until recently I couldn’t see how it was anything but my own private business. Without really thinking about it, the closet closed around me.
This year, I began the process of coming out all over again. It started when I joined a diversity group and picked up steam when I joined the Human Rights Campaign. I have come to realize how important it is to be out. People who know a gay person are far more likely to support gay rights, and being out reminds our straight friends that we are their neighbors, their family, and their co-workers. One person coming out makes it that much easier and safer for others to come out; this is especially critical for teenagers who might otherwise feel isolated and afraid (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teens are four times more likely to attempt suicide than straight teens).
So this year, I came out to my family, friends and co-workers. I put a triangle sticker on my car and I started writing letters. I’ve just begun a column on GLBT issues for my local newspaper, where I will out myself to my entire town.
As I look around, however, I realize that the role of bisexuals who are in committed heterosexual relationships is still a very uncertain one in both the straight and the gay communities. Based on the stories you read, you would assume that most bisexuals come out to their families as part of a divorce. That is not my story and I suspect there are thousands of folks in the same situation: happily married, and inadvertently closeted, bisexuals. It is important that we come out, loud and clear. We’re here, we’re queer and we vote.
June 28, 2004