What a Difference Marriage Would Make
by Debbie and Donna
We have been together for 27 years and lived as anyone would -- worshipping, working and living in a heterosexual community. But we also have lived with a double standard.
When one of us (Donna) laid in a hospital bed in traction, the other (Debbie) learned she had no rights to see or know about her progress because we were not legally married. In order to be with each other, we had to pretend to be sisters.
Debbie also met society’s wall of righteousness many times. Trying to be a good co-parent and loving Donna’s two young boys as if they were her own, she was unable to sign the most mundane forms for school, take the children to doctors or put them on her insurance. Even though she fully supported their financial needs, she was unable to claim them on her taxes.
Still, we held on to our faith in God and the other’s permanence in our life, and that kept us going. We had a pact to stay together and always work through what came our way. Life was a giant roller coaster. We got in, said our vows and strapped on our seat belts.
Creating a safety net for our family, we purchased everything in two names and left it to each other in our wills. We also arranged powers of attorney for one another, at a high price.
Now the boys are grown and married and have kids of their own. Our family – in the face of a sometimes hostile society – has remained close. And we truly are blessed by being soul mates, friends, lovers and sharing the joy of grandparenting.
Other problems remain, however. One of us, who has no insurance and most of the medical problems, cannot be put on the other’s insurance. And the cost of prescriptions keeps us from filling many other needs.
Being legally married would have made our lives so much easier. We would have been able to hold our heads higher and faced much less stress. Yet when one of us passes on, the only thing we’ll know is that our love is real. We also will look into the eyes of our children and know that they, too, reflect our partner, by the life we all shared together.
Oct. 17, 2003