Third Time's the Charm
By Jen
I've had three major coming-out experiences in the two years since I acknowledged that I am bisexual.
I was a freshman in high school when I first started questioning my sexual orientation. I had become active in the gay-straight alliance and one day thought, "Hey, maybe there is more to this than just an innate belief in equal rights."
Some months later, I attended the prom with a guy (who later came out as gay).The after party was a big sleepover at his house, where I hooked up with a female classmate. The next day, the entire school knew. So coming out No. 1 was really me being pushed out of the closet only a day after I had personally confirmed my identity to myself.
This didn’t upset me. What happened had felt so natural, much more natural than anything had been with former boyfriends. The school was fortunately very accepting and the reactions I got from other students were supportive. If anyone did have a problem, I never heard about it.
Coming out No. 2 was a little more painful. I had been out for almost a year to everyone except my parents and two younger brothers. I had decided that I would wait until I was 18 years old and safely out of the house before I broke the news to them. I thought I knew how my parents would react – less than thrilled, but reassuring me that I’d always be their daughter and cared more about my happiness than my sexual orientation. Still, I wasn’t exactly jumping to tell them the news.
As it happened, my mother ended up asking. My best friend was coming to visit and my mom was concerned that we were more than friends and would be sleeping in the same room. I assured her that she was just a friend, and straight to boot, but I couldn’t lie about myself. Her reaction was what I had expected. I was no longer worried about being thrown out of the house. But in the months to follow, our relationship became strained, especially when I started a serious relationship with a woman.
My parents were extremely critical of all my actions, as if they were projecting their disapproval of my sexual orientation onto other aspects of my personality. With time and numerous conversations, my mom and I seemed to reach a common ground. I explained that I knew what was out there and that the path ahead would be more difficult because I wasn’t straight. But I did need her support and encouragement so I could still be successful, knowing that I am loved for who I am by the people who matter. So my second coming out had a rocky start but a good ending.
This past summer, I left my hometown of Washington, D.C., for Sacramento, Calif. Suddenly, I was in a place where no one knew anything about me, and it hit me that I would need to come out again on my own. To add to the dilemma, I was starting my junior year at an all-girls Catholic school, and the school handbook said any “unchristian behavior or actions that would reflect poorly on the Catholic Church” were grounds for expulsion.
It took some agonizing time but I finally decided that there was no way I’d go back in the closet. Not that it’s obvious. I don’t resemble any lesbian stereotypes. But I realized that I had to be honest about who I was. At the least, I’d save myself from forming a friendship and realizing too late that he or she was a person who wouldn’t accept me.
My first semester is now over and I have no regrets. My fears of expulsion were quickly calmed, and I’ve even met some other girls who are bisexual or lesbian. What it came down to was I’m OK with who I am and do not feel in any way embarrassed or ashamed. I think the reason some folks are uncomfortable around gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people isn’t because they’re hateful, but simply because they are not used to it. People are generally scared of what they do not understand. Well, the only way anyone is going to get used to it is if more people are willing to come out and say, “This is who I am, this is how I live and there’s nothing wrong with it!” I can do that and I will, so that people of all sexual orientations can see that this is an acceptable way to live and be