Blessings from truth and love
by Stacey Baker
When I was little, I always felt uncomfortable when my friends would talk about the men they would marry. I felt like an outsider, as if their dreams of the future were not mine.
I was the baby of my family, my mother's long-awaited little girl. I grew up wearing frills and lace and had little girlfriends. But I never once felt like I fit in.
All my friends started dating early. I was terrified. I had crushes on my best friends, not the boys at school. But I wanted to fit in. I wanted to hide what I was feeling inside. I wanted to be liked.
So, I pretended to be interested in the boys. I got really good at it, too. I had even convinced myself that I was just like everyone else. I began dating, a little later than everyone else did, but it quieted the storms of whispers I could hear in the locker rooms.
Although I dated only one boy during high school, and this boy wasn't even from my school, I was terribly uncomfortable about it. I felt as if I wanted to compete with the guys, not nuzzle up to them. I felt as if I had to show my strength, which frightened most guys off.
But I got really adept at the role I was expected to play -- so much so that I ended up marrying a man later. I still didn't feel as if this were what was right for me. And I'm sure that was apparent in my marriage. We didn't stay together long and he blamed me for being cold.
My son and I went home to my parents and I took a long hard look at my life. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I was feeling panicked and scared. I decided to never date anyone ever again.
I knew why I had made such a drastic decision, and the reality of it scared me more than I could imagine. There I was, a single mother with a very young son. How could I teach him to be an honest, caring adult if I couldn't be honest with myself?
It took me another four years to come to terms with my own truth. Why? Why was I different? What had I done wrong? What did my parents forget to tell me? What was I missing? How could I be gay?
I was sure I was losing my mind. No one in my family was gay! None of my friends were gay. I never went to school with anyone who was gay. How could this be true?
Finally I had to accept it. I was different, I had always known this and now I knew just how different I was. OK, now what?
Well, I left it alone. I realized I had to just learn to be at ease with myself.
Another four years later, a wonderful person came into my life, indirectly at first. She had dated one of my friends for a time. She and I began working together and became friends. After my friend had stopped dating her, I was there to pick up the pieces. I was the shoulder for her to cry on.
A few months later, I became attracted to her. I enjoyed her company immensely. She made me feel comfortable. Then it happened.
We fell in love.
Long story short: we have been together now for almost five years. It's my longest relationship ever, and I know why. For me, this is what I was meant to find.
My son, our son, is finally happy and knows he is loved. He's finally let go and is at ease knowing Mom and Mom are happy.
My family couldn't be more supportive. They see me happy and comfortable with myself and are thrilled. My family sees me being me and being supported and loved. The love and support I am able to give in return makes them all the happier. All these blessings are from truth and love. What more perfect a way of teaching these things to my son than to live them?
March 28, 2002