God and Gays and Bears, Oh My!
By Randy
All of my life, I was taught that homosexuality was a choice. I grew up in a conservative Christian atmosphere. I was never forced into it. It was my faith, and the idea that being gay was a choice was a part of that faith, not just a dictate from an authority figure.
However, one message from my church that I never understood was the constant warnings to behave once my hormones kicked in. I didn't feel any desire to date females! Dates were boring. Teen-age pregnancies baffled me. In fact, because I didn't understand them, I came down hard on people who expected a baby before they were married. How could they not control themselves? Ridiculous, I thought.
I attended a fundamentalist college. Even in that conservative atmosphere, though, I started to have questions, especially when I realized that I found the company of burly bearded types enjoyable. I started wondering what it would be like if, in a different universe, of course, I could go home and live with one of those teddy bearish men. Wouldn't that be cool? But the thought of men living together as partners was something I also thought was ridiculous.
I graduated college very confused, and began working at a treatment facility for juvenile offenders. One day, a kid who acknowledged he was gay came for help. But the help was with his criminal issues, not help in changing from gay to straight. The staff was split right down the middle. Half of them wanted to cure him of his gayness. The other half said he was only there to work on his issues, and that being gay wasn't one of those. I didn't know what to think. Somewhere inside, though, I knew the methods we used at the unit were not ones that would treat a gay person. This wasn't an addiction. This wasn't something he had chosen or had been tricked into. This was just the way he (and I) had always been. But for me, being gay and Christian just wasn't in the plan.
I soon switched to working nights at another program so I could be alone with my thoughts and work through my inner anxieties. I was a Christian and that wasn't going to change. But I needed to know, what was this other part of me? Did God condemn it? If he did, how did I end up with it? I couldn't imagine having love and happiness in my life if I thought God had created something he hated.
But, how could I be gay? I surfed some gay websites, but nothing about those men seemed to be like me. Young-looking, well-coiffed men didn't appeal to me, I didn't want to go clubbing every night and I didn't secretly want to be Cher. How could I really be gay?
Then one night, I discovered "bears" -- gay men who embraced their masculinity. Guys who just happened to find other guys -- even the chunky, teddy bearish ones -- attractive. I had finally discovered that being gay wasn't all about embracing a stereotype. There are as many different types of gay people as straight people.
I didn't exactly fly out of the closet. For one, I was teaching in a place that would not have been pleased had I come out. I also didn't feel comfortable acting on my orientation because I had yet to reconcile it with my faith. But it was important to me to be honest with myself and with the people I trusted as my friends.
So I took the plunge and told four people in one weekend. I wanted to make sure if one of them rejected me, that I'd have several others who backed me up. But I was scared. They were all from the same background as me. I remembered how judgmental I had been of teen-age pregnancies. They had no reason to understand my point of view. What would stop them from having the same knee-jerk reaction I had as a teen?
I shouldn't have worried! The reactions ranged from tolerance to acceptance. One of them even came out to me. At the time, I told them I planned to be celibate for life. I needed time to explore where my faith, sexuality and identity all came together. Slowly, I came out to more and more people, because I was beginning to like who I was becoming.
Now I'm out to just about everyone who matters in my life. I have begun to date and hope to someday find a partner. Coming out is a process which can take years, but it's important to come out in your own way and in your own time. The feeling of understanding yourself, of knowing there are other people like you out there, of being able to enjoy all natural sides of you, of looking forward to a possible future partnership -- these are the gifts that coming out gives to you. You don't have to trash your faith or your friends in the process. But you do need to respect yourself and trust those around you enough to take the plunge.
