Milford Decker: Local Action Hero
The home of Milford Decker is a hub of activity in New York’s Mohawk Valley. Milford is a former minister, a father of five, a grandfather of 10, and, at 70 years of age, a leading convener of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people here at the foothills of the Adirondack mountains.
For several years, Milford, who goes by “Mil,” has hosted a monthly potluck for older gay men in the area who want to socialize, maintain longtime friendships and meet new people. Even in the harsh winter months and in a small GLBT community, 30 to 45 people routinely make their way through the snow and cold to share a meal and connect with others.
Because of the success of the potlucks he hosts, others in the area have reached out to Mil to help them coordinate similar social events. He’s helping launch another, smaller social group that is open to all ages. With that group, he’s coordinating a GLBT community dance at a local church. “No orchestra,” Mil says. “But we’ll have a DJ, and it will be fun.” As a former minister, he’s also involved in a third potluck group devoted to a discussion of the Bible and homosexuality.
“It seems people love to eat,” Mil laughs. “Food brings us together.”
Mil met his partner, Jeff, when Jeff arrived one week early for a potluck at Mil’s house almost three years ago.
Sparks flew, and now they’re partners in love and organizing.
“Jeff is such an outgoing person,” Mil says. “One time, we were in a nearby town at an antique store and Jeff and I noticed a man sitting on a bench. Jeff ran up to him and said, ‘Hi. Are you gay?’ Just like that. He’s so outgoing and exuberant. He’s joyous in his gayness.”
Mil’s activities extend beyond the culinary. Mil also serves as an official marriage ambassador for the region. The state’s gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender political organization, Empire State Pride Agenda, sponsors the statewide network of volunteers trained to build support in their local communities for marriage equality for same-sex couples. Mil had participated in the group’s lobbying days in the past, then went through the training, along with Jeff, to serve as a marriage ambassador.
Mil and Jeff are putting these new skills to work right now as they try to persuade their state senator to change his mind on marriage, which the senator believes should be defined as only between a man and a woman. Mil is organizing clergy leaders and other community members to meet with the senator and his staff. While the senator and his staff stonewalled, Mil persevered. Mil finally secured a meeting time with one of the senator’s staff members, and he plans to keep pressing for a face-to-face meeting with the senator himself.
“We’re trying to do what we can do locally,” Mil explains. “The training helps us be able to tell our story. It showed us that we had our own story — it’s a valid story, and it’s meaningful to tell our story.”
Mil is also a resource to a chapter of SAGE (Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elders) Upstate. The chapter, currently located in Syracuse, 60 miles away from Mil, is reaching out to start a group in Utica. At the same time, Mil’s been talking with others about creating a GLBT community center, available for drop-in discussions and planned events.
Mil and Jeff are also beginning a second year of singing in the new Mohawk Valley Pride Chorus. They’ve sung at a “Take Back the Night” rally, a local church’s AIDS memorial service and last summer’s pride festival. Though small, the chorus makes a joyful noise. They currently meet in Mil and Jeff’s home for rehearsals, as does a group of local Human Rights Campaign volunteers, called Mohawk Valley Meetup. Mil and Jeff also host occasional GLBT Game Nights on Wednesdays.
Last year, Jeff coordinated the area’s first pride parade and celebration in more than five years. Mil convened an ecumenical gathering of leaders from many faiths — Christian, Jewish and Muslim — for a GLBT welcoming event the day after the pride parade. The event was attended by about 75 people.
“It was a beautiful experience,” Mil says. “We were so amazed we could get a group like that together.” Mil plans to coordinate a similar event this year.
About a dozen years ago, Mil was the co-grand marshal of the area’s pride parade. That parade brings bittersweet memories to Mil’s mind.
He enjoys remembering walking down the street holding hands with his co-grand marshal — a 16-year-old girl who was already a leader. However, when Mil’s photograph appeared the next day on a front-page newspaper story about the parade, he learned that his grown children were upset with the attention. Since that time, his five children have not communicated with him, which made it challenging to maintain relationships with his 10 grandchildren.
Mil did stay close with one daughter-in-law through that time. In 2006, another daughter-in-law reached out to Mil. Together they are rebuilding family ties, and Mil is reconnecting with two of his grandchildren. Last fall, the daughter-in-law brought her children to Mil’s 70th birthday party. She and her children then visited Mil again, at his home, for Christmas.
This fragile connection with his own children only encourages Mil all the more in his hope to hold a family picnic for the GLBT community in the near future. He wants to create an opportunity for families of origin and chosen families to all spend time together.
Through all his work, Mil illustrates the many ways we build and nurture our families.
March 2007